Tenure aka (Damn That Gretchen Mol Is Ridiculously Cute!!)

I like the Wilson brothers. I just like that they seem to always be just kinda playing their selves to a certain degree and just seem to be natural in all their parts,and are funny in separate kind of ways. Owen,seems to be the cut up and more of the clown,while Luke is more of the usual straight man....So I usually enjoy their flicks...except for fricking "Drillbit Taylor" my God what a piece of awful horrible shit that was....anyhow,I was kind of looking forward to watching "Tenure",besides it had David Koechner who I think is hysterical in always smaller roles,but always quirky and funny stuff...and also it has Gretchen Mol who is the most underused and under appreciated actresses in Hollywood and it doesn't hurt that she is sooooooo cute!! Besides she has no problem getting naked at all...

Anyhow,"Tenure" is a comedy with Luke playing an English professor at a small college who enjoys his job and is just getting by,he's not really motivated to do too much other than teach,mainly because he is the only professor on campus that's teaching his classes,he's just counting down the days till he gets tenure and he'll be set,and it would be gravy all the way....that's when Her Hotness (Mol) shows up as a fellow professor also trying to get tenure in the same field.And so Luke's slacker ass professor and his buddy an anthropology professor (who was just told he wont be getting tenure) played by Koechner,attempt to sabotage Her Hotness at every turn...well Koechner's character is the main one doing all the sabotaging...

"Tenure" was funny,it reminded me kind of like a Mike Judge comedy in its tone (think "Extract",more than "Office Space").Its not continuous belly laugh stuff,but it does have its moments where it had me chuckling.

I can understand why it wasn't released at the theaters,as its not a very commercial type comedy,not necessarily a dark comedy,but kind of a droll comedy.Its a nice diversion on a hot summer Sunday afternoon when you have had enough of the heat and just want to veg out,and you want to have a lil laugh from something that you haven't seen before.Its not something I'd watch a hundred times,but its an ok time waster.The only really disappointing thing was Her Hotness didn't get naked....

*** Speaking of the Wilson's,I just saw on IMDB that they are going to do "Zoolander 2"!! My wife will be sooooo stoked!! Hehehe....Comic Frickin Gold From The Gods!!!

Hush aka (I'm Following This Truck Who's Owner Has Kidnapped My Whore Ass Girlfriend)

I don't know what it is about the British horror scene nowadays, but (at least in my eyes) for the most part it is soooo much better than the mostly generic crap that is being made here in the states. Seriously while the studios have been churning out crap PG 13 horror bullshit,crap ass remakes,and the bazillionth version of so and so strangers waking up in some unknown location and not knowing how they got there torture porn bullshit.

I mean something like this that could and should have been same old same old story wise such as "Hush" turns out to be something that even though I've seen similar stuff,still felt fresh and a bit different.

Hush is about a couple in England travelling one night while the loser boyfriend is doing his job of replacing posters at all the rest stops on the interstate. They are a bickering kinda miserable couple that seems to be teetering on the verge of a meltdown....especially after it comes to light (at least to the audience,not dip shit) that the girlfriend did the beast with two backs with a friend of theirs the night before....anyways,it ain't looking to good for the dude and his bitch ass ho in terms of their likelyhood of staying together after this little jaunt through the English countryside.

Well,things start a bit slow,with all the bitching while driving,until it comes to the realization of Sir Dip shit that he was just passed by a truck with a woman in her underwear locked in the back screaming bloody murder.Of course he and his girlfriend get up shits creek without a paddle as they try to find out what happens,and then the whore gets kidnapped...

This is when the fun starts,"Hush" is equal parts "Breakdown" and "The Vanishing" but what I liked,with the film being low budget,unlike something like "Breakdown" where you knew damn well,no matter how perilous the situation was for Kurt "I've Had Sex With Goldie Hahn...A Lot!!" Russell,you knew at the end he would be ok....same with "The Vanishing....even though Kiefer "Dammit!!" Sutherland was in a box underground you kinda knew he wasn't going to die...with this....you just don't get that feeling.

And even though I kiddingly called the dude dip shit,I actually thought the male lead,does a very nice job being the sympathetic hero,as he tries relentlessly no matter what to track down his whore ass girlfriend (even after he finds out about her whoring,which is done pretty great too!!). The other thing was,we don't ever really see the killers face,which I liked,we never learn of his motives,he's a faceless evil entity...and that just added to the suspense....

"Hush" is out on video,if you can get it,do so,its a thoroughly entertaining little thriller.

The A Team aka (...That Was Great!! Cant Wait For The Manimal Remake!!!)

OK,so I'm ridiculously negative towards all of these remakes that are just continuously coming out of Hollywood nowadays (seriously the fact that they are remaking "Red Dawn"...a Cold War relic is just asinine)....anyways,the remakes that I'm against are remakes of all of these 80's films...classics or not....and just regurgitating the same look and style that was done in the one good remake that they did (ahem I'm looking at you Platinum Dunes!!) with every single film your doing....that's just tiresome...and its old....but when you take something that was a cheesy (Hey I LOVED the A Team,but it wasn't really a "Good" show...well from the view of an adult...as a 12 year old it kicked ass),but fun show from the 80's,and making it into something bigger and better,while maintaining the fun of the original...well slap my crazy ass Aunt Sally...mission fucking accomplished!! This film is GREAT!!

Look,I'm not going all into the story....if you have ever heard of "The A Team" you know the gist of it. And the film follows this premise beautifully.It starts with Liam "Action Jackson" Neeson forming the A Team with Face aka Bradley "Thank God For The Hangover" Cooper, B.A. aka Quinton " What The Hells So Great About MMA? Everytime I See It Its Just Some Dudes Rolling On The Ground" Jackson (Who definitely is fun doing the Mr. T thing...nice job!!),and Murdock aka the dude from "District 9"...no not the alien...anyways it starts there,and follows through with them being framed and then trying to get revenge and clear their name.

This film has the typical action scenes and stuff, but Joe "Dude,Smoking Aces Wasnt Too Hot...But Damn What The Hell Did You Do To Piven?" Carnahan,knows that the action is ridiculous,and has fun with it...and its not cheesy action....this reminded me of the type of action comedy's that used to come out in the 80's and early 90's. Its loud,funny (The CIA agents led by Patrick "The Owl Dude From Watchmen" Wilson are hilarious as a bunch of agents who might as well be frat guys...good stuff).

I cannot say it enough,this is the perfect summer type film,its just a good time.Don't go in expecting anything overly dramatic,just go in and expect some outstanding brain candy!! My only hope is that this film does well enough to have a sequel!!

Vamp aka (Yeah I Know Its An Old 1986 Flick,But Hell I Havent Watched Much Lately)

So,I don't know how many people out there remember this little flick. But man,back in 1986,the lil 15 year old version of me enjoyed the hell out of this film. "Vamp" was a Grace "Dude Looks Like A Lady...Oh Shit She Is A Lady" Jones back in the mid 80's when she was appearing in a lot of films. She had appeared with Ahnold in that awful second Conan film (the only good thing about that film was a young Olivia "Kevin Arnold's Older Hot Sis" D'abo's nubile self being in it),and she had also been in the last Roger "I Never Really Was A Good Bond,But I Still Beat The Hell Out Of Timothy Dalton" Moore Bond film (the only good thing about that was the Duran Duran song and Christopher "Motherfucking The Man" Walken). I believe this might have been her swan song,as I don't recall her in much after this.

"Vamp" actually is a decent and enjoyable little film...still. Yeah its got a very 80's cheese fest feel to it...but it's got vampire strippers and a very tongue in cheek feel to it that helps it hold up.

The film is about these two guys who are trying to join a frat and one of their initiation duties is to obtain a stripper for a frat party. Sounds simple enough....but see back in 1986, there wasn't any internet to order your strippers from * side note-not that I've ever done that...uhm nor would I ever consider it,LOVE YA HUUN!!...anyways,they decide to head into the city borrowing the car of the one and only Long Duck Dong (Sixteen Candles) who is a loser rich kid with no friends who gets to tag along.

The guys, end up in the wrong part of town,piss off a very 80's type inner city gang (They look like something out of a Pat Benetar video) along the way and end up at the After Dark Club.

Now I will say this,the stripping in this isn't as hot as I remember it being,back when I used to watch this at 15,of course being 15,I was just happy to see semi clad chicks grinding across the floors , but the stripping is very lackluster for the most part , I mean Grace " I Swear She Has A Penis" Jones is no Salma Hayek....anyhow, the club naturally is full of stripper vampires with Jones being the ancient one,that's the head of them all. So these dudes are up shits creek big time.

Is this movie a classic? No , but its got some funny stuff that still holds up,never takes itself too serious,and for a mid 80's horror/comedy that wasn't a slasher,it holds up for the most part. Now "From Dusk Till Dawn" its not,but if your looking for a decent time waster...you could do a lot worse,besides its got a 22 yr old Dee Dee "Yeah I Know My Sister is Fricking Michelle" Phifer,who is just so frickin adorable in this,you just want to grab her and do things to her that might be illegal in about 47 states. She was SOOO cute back in the day....So on that note....if "Vamp" comes up on a movie channel,or you come across it on Netflix and have a coupon or something,and want to see something off the beaten path,give it a shot.

Dying Breed aka (Australia...The Otherside of the Worlds Version of West Va)

So,I know I've been doing a lot of this years After Dark Horrorfest films,which all for the most part have been pretty damn good. Well there actually are a few films from last years version of this series,that for one reason or another I never got around to watching."Dying Breed" being one of them. My bad for taking so long to get around to it,this is a pretty good flick!!

I don't know what it is with Australia and France. You see,based on both of those country's recent horror films are pretty fucked up (especially the French...those fuckers are some seriously fucked up dudes). Australia has kind of been taking a similar path,just not as sadistic as those French fuckers.It seems like since 2005's "Wolf Creek" they have taken the road trip movie where teens get lost on a trip and end up with cannibals in West Virginia,and substitute the Outback for West Virginia.The kicker is....at least for me,unlike a majority of the French sadistic crap,and even the American films they are patterned after,these Australian films are very watchable.

"Dying Breed" is one of these films. The story is that a young Irish girl who with her boyfriend is out to try and finish a project that her sister started eight years before on the island of Tasmania (off the coast of Australia). A project that ended up costing the sister her life. the project is trying to find a supposedly long extinct tiger?? (it actually looks like a frickin dog,but hey I'm not a goddamn zoologist) Anyways they head out to Tasmania to try and find this animal,with the assistance of the boyfriends lifelong friend,played with total prick overload glee by Nathan Phillips who was the male lead in "Wolf Creek" also....anyways he brings his girlfriend and off to go find there tiger/dog they go.

What I like about this film is that yes,its a storyline that's been done a 100 thousand times,but what helps here is the back story that they use for it. Australia was a penal colony for England until 1868,and Tasmania was where the most file criminals were kept.The most file of these (and famous) was one Alexander Pearce who was known as the Pie Man...he liked to eat people stuffed into little pot pie like things....anyways he escaped the prison in the 1820's and lived out in the wilds of Tasmania. And there are descendants of his living in those wilds.Guess what area the tiger/dog hunters are going to.

So,like I said,yeah,nothing new,in the basic plot,but the way it is told,feels fresh,plus with the true life Pie Man setup,it just feels different.Also,for the most part the main characters are believable and well acted....even though Phillips character is such a total ass its a wonder he could have a life long friend.But the way things are setup and done,with some nice character development,it definitely makes you at least give a lil shit about these people who are trying to avoid being the mystery meat at the dinner table.

So,if you like movies,like the first "Wrong Turn","Hills Have Eyes",all the "Texas Chainsaw" flicks,give this one a shot,it gives this well worn genre a nice bit of fresh air.

Parasomnia aka (A Dudes Dream Girl!!)

Let me start off by saying that this is a good film.Its not great in any sense of the word,but the people who crafted this film have actually put a lot of heart into it,and I truly can appreciate the effort.

"Parasomnia" is the baby of William Malone,he directed the remake of "House on Haunted Hill" with Ali "She Tastes Great With Whipped Cream" Larter and Taye "What The Hell Happened To My Film Career?" Diggs. Which is actually a pretty decent film. He also directed Fear.Com which wasnt a pretty decent film....in fact it is utterly unwatchable....avoid it at all cost.That film I guess kind of killed Mr. Malone's major theatrical opportunities,as he really hasn't had anything since other than some Masters of Horror stuff.

This film should get him back in the good graces of the studios....if not the major ones....at least one of the smaller ones that occasionally release theatrical films...he has done a really nice job here.Mr. Malone evidently paid for this whole film to be made and its obvious that this is his baby. He has put a lot into this film.

"Parasomnia" is about a girl who has a real rare form of narcolepsy,called parasomnia , in which the person is asleep most of the time while awakening sporadically and being awake for an inestimable amount of time. Anyways,the story deals with this girl being in an asylum naturally (kinda hard to have a job and shit,when ya cant stay awake),well she unfortunately is the next room neighbor of a serial killer who is a hypnotist who kills people by hypnotizing them and making them do his bidding.Usually killing themselves or other people.He of course is kept under a hood and chained to the walls.And is pretty creepy looking while under the hood. He has somehow found a way to get inside sleeping beauty's head while she sleeps,giving her some seriously fucked up dreams,very Hellraiserish/Silent Hill creepy style dreams that are some of the very stylish efforts that Mr. Malone gives to this film to give it some flava.

Now the main dude in this film is weak sauce....seriously,he seems like a nice dude,but hes annoying as hell because he's just such a putz.This guy who works in a record store (think Cusacks "High Fidelity") is at the asylum visiting a buddy of his who is in rehab,and stumbles upon home girl getting her sleep on.He has a deja vu kind of moment once he finds out what her deal is (evidently he had met her when they were both little kids and she had had one of her falling asleep moments while he was around her) anyways he FALLS hard for her (actually he might be on to something...a hot girl who is barely awake...hmmm)...well he finds out that the docs are transferring her to another facility to be put through experiments....yeah not good....so he kidnaps her. This of course not only gets the police on his trail,but the serial killer is none too happy either and escapes to come after them also.

As I said this is a good film,if the hero character wasn't such a putz....it might have been top notch.Malone adds a lot of style and atmosphere to this one.Its like a Dario Argento style with modernistic flashes of Silent Hill and also many of evidently I guess Malone's own "Haunted Hill" type moments all thrown together...you can definitely see the "Haunted Hill" influence on it,which helps a lot.

"Parasomnia" has a very off kilter feel too it,especially the last half of the film,which even though its in the real world takes on a very dream like feel to it.Its actually the dream like feel of this film that really helps it,if not for the stylistic choices that Malone uses,this probably would not have been nearly as enjoyable.This film has a much bigger feel to it than the budget would probably lead you to believe.If you can get your hands on this film give it a shot,its a very good rental...and I'll take a film in which the maker has put a lot into it,rather than some half hearted DTV sequel to some random series that wasn't good to begin with,in which the producers are just trying to make a quick buck.

Lake Mungo aka (Dead Chicks With Lots of Skeletons)

Nice job After Dark Films!! This is the 5th Horrorfest film I have watched from this years batch and I have to go on record and say this is easily the best group of films to come out of this little extravaganza that they are doing yearly (even though I don't know how well they are doing at the theaters,considering that they are showing them at fewer and fewer locations)....but anyways...nice job!!

Lake Mungo is yet another faux documentary. Yet unlike the others that are supposed "found films" this one is done as an actual documentary supposedly filmed over the course of years.

Its about a family trying to cope with the loss of their 16 year old daughter who had drowned in 2005,but apparently is haunting the family over the course of the documentary.I wont go too much into detail on this,but will say,its almost kinda like if Twin Peaks original plot of the supposed good girl homecoming queen dying and having the skeletons coming out of the closet as the film goes along...except here you don't get creepy fucking dwarfs and FBI agents in love with some fricking pie.

If this movie sounds interesting,be prepared and go into it with the understanding that it is a documentary. So expect it to play out as a documentary.So expect a slow burn. If you do,it will get ya with some pretty creepy and memorable moments.This thing was very well done.

So again I have to applaud After Dark,they really gave a good effort on this years selections,and I like the fact that each one has been a different vein of horror.Nice job guys. They have an After Dark Originals series coming out in the fall....I don't know if it will be at the theaters first or straight to dvd,but if it is at the theaters....come on guys,lets get this into theaters that will not be mainly in BFE cities like Wichita or fucking Iowa City(not that theres anything wrong with Witchita or Iowa City)....