13 Assasins aka (Takashi Miike Makes a Film That Frickin Makes Sense)

This movie kicked all kinds of ass!! Seriously I really can't say enough about this film. I grew up loving these type of movies,not so much "kung fu" type movies,but samarai and shogun flicks,such as "Shogun Assasin" from back in the day.....really enjoyed that,but haven't seen a ton of the epic type films with brilliant sword play much anymore.I know they still make them in Asia,but they dont always make it over here to the states,and unlike my beloved horror films,I'm not so much in the loop on these type of films.

With that being said,I had been watching HDMovie Net the past couple of weeks and they had repeatedly aired commercials for a "sneak preview showing" of Takashi Miike's latest film "13 Assassins" which looked awesome in the previews.I really wanted to see this flick.

Now I haven't seen a shit load of his films,but he is best known here in the states for "Audition" which is about as fucked up a film as you could see....especially as the film first seems to start as almost a romantic comedy and ends up being a nuts ass torture flick.Hell his stab at the old J Horror standard of the long haired ghost girl in "One Missed Call" was even unlike any other of its type,especially the WTF? ending (still a very good film...FUCK you Hollywood and Ed Burns and the Cancer to film that is Shannyn Sossamon).Needless to say he doesn't always do films that are of the more standard type of fair.

"13 Assasins" seems to be Miike's attepmt at an old style epic,and man does the guy nail it!!! This film is fantastic!! "13 Assasins" is the story of an aging samari being enlisted to kill an oppressive and evil as shit lord.The samari is played by Kogi Yakusho who has been in many films including "Kairo" aka "Pulse" (again FUCK you Hollywood,and fucking Vampire Bullshit Ian "Oh I'll Just Put On Eyeliner and Be So Cool" Sommerhalder...cant hold it against Kristen Bell she's too damn adorable!!),as well as "Retribution". Well he is excellent in this.....its supposedly 1844 in Japan and its a peaceful time,where the samari have had very little to do in a long time...when he is approached to help out the people of the land to end the attrocities being put upon them by this Lord,he is more than ready to get the job done,he ends up recruiting 12 (it eventually gets to the titled 13) samaris to assist who all have had nothing to do,and considering,its like their job and shit to fight and die and stuff,well they are all up to the task.

Just as Yakusho is up to the task,every actor is great in this film.The actor playing the evil lord is great,bringing a feeling of a bored,spoiled,and just plain saidistic individual,he's awesome,you'll be wanting this fucker to get his just deserts.Plus how can you not LOVE a film that pits 13 guys against an army of 200? The last 50 minutes is one non stop battle and its perfect.Perfect in the way its filmed,and the way its staged and again the actors are great,they had to train their asses off for the amount of physical activity done in this film (mainly in that 50 minute battle scene).

Miike is known for his violence,and there is violence in this film,but again,he seems to have toned it down a bit(for him),the violence that is on screen is what would actually happened in a battle,not exaggerated in any ways.Even the results of the violence,as the scene of one of the results the lords actions is damn sad as hell,and the effect to make the victim appear as she does is something else.

Look,if you enjoy great action films,and have an itch for an epic of this type,see this film!! Its coming out in limited release (it should get a bigger release) and it will also be coming out on video very soon!! Or you can just wait for the half ass Hollywood remake where they make it either a sci fi flick or a western....

The Pool aka (Holy Shit!! Is That Isla Fischer and James Mcavoy??!!)

So I had remembered a little bit about this flick from about 8 years ago,one night late I was having trouble sleeping and came across an ok slasher that seemed foreign even though everyone was speaking English,but again it was late and I came across it kinda in the middle and didn't make it to the end,I just couldn't ever find it on again and eventually forgot about it.

Then I came across it a week ago and even then I thought it sounded familiar,but I couldn't remember all the details about it,what with old age and everything.Anyways,for a forgotten,rarely seen,and relatively unknown flick made by some German dude who has done nothing else....its not that bad.Plus if anything,the German dude can claim he at least made a flick with Mrs. Borat and a dude who has starred in Oscar nominated films in the same film.

And this fact I didn't even know until they popped up early in the film,since I wasn't totally paying attention during the credits,but damn if Isla Fischer's adorable little butt (which we unfortunately don't get to see) and James Mcavoy don't pop up as boyfriend and girlfriend in this one.Which was a kinda pleasant surprise.They aren't the two main characters either,so you also don't know when they are gonna buy the farm...you just know they probably will.

The film is the typical,a bunch of teens (uhm,25 year olds) graduate from an international high school and Prague and decide to have a big last night together bash at this posh pool resort that's closed for the night,but they are able to break in and party....which honestly,the party was actually pretty lame,you have like 10 people,all just splashing around and drinking and goofing off.....not quite the awe inspiring night of all nights that the main guy pronounces on the way to the event. Anyways,someone is out to kill them off as the night progresses....and that's pretty much it.

Its not a good film in any stretch of the imagination,but for a time killer its entertaining,I wouldn't pay a ton of money for it,hell I wouldn't buy it,but for a rainy Sunday or something its not bad,if you like non descript slasher films. It does have one really great death scene in it,involving a water slide and a machete that is pretty great though.Plus its always fun to see famous actors in shit,they'd probably rather not have brought up when they are hanging with James Lipton.

Scream 4 aka (Wes Craven's Best Film In 15 Yrs.......Even Though Thats Not Saying Much)

Wes Craven......to be honest,I think the fact that he is repeatedly called "The Master of Horror" is a bit of a misnomer. In all honesty,true the guy has done a butt load of horror films....but shit a lot of them have been total crap. His actual good films are "Last House On The Left" (which in my opinion isn't really all that good,I'd heard sooo much about this one,and when I finally watched it....it was like....really??Ehhh,I am just saying its good based on its historical context), Nightmare on Elm St, New Nightmare,Scream 1 and 2 (even though there were parts in 2 where if it was edited down a little might have helped it more)...and that's pretty much it...And no I don't think his Hills Have Eyes is all that good.

Since Scream 1 and 2,he has been just on cruise control.His last movie prior to "Scream 4" was "My Soul to Take",which is one big old mess from the start....have no clue what the fuck he was thinking with that one.

Well,I'll honestly say,Craven put forth the effort with this one,and that its a good film.While not a classic,for a 4th film in a franchise,its effectively done.And in context of the other sequels,I actually prefer it to the other two.

The film's cast does well with what they are given,the writing which originally was done by Kevin "If It Wasn't For Me James Van Der Beek Wouldn't Be Known As The Dawson" Williamson and touched up by Ehren Krueger ,is decent enough for one of these things.As stated before this is the third sequel in a slasher series,that didn't take itself seriously,and really nobody should go into seeing this wanting to judge it very seriously.It is what it is,a fun time distraction,that does a decent job of keeping the feel of the original...which was severely lacking in the third one.

I'm not going to go into too much about the actual story...I mean its Scream 4 for Christs sake....but also I don't want to worry about giving away any spoilers,even though the only person I know that occasionally reads these fucking reviews saw the damn film with me.Anyways,if you like the Scream series,you won't be disappointed,and if you don't like the series,why the fuck would you see this one anyways???

PS- Hayden Panettierre is SOOOOOOOOO ridiculously cute in this film it should be a crime!!

Also I do want to say that Craven and Williamson did a nice job poking fun at the remake/reboot crazy asshole thinking that makes up a lot of the horror genre of present day Hollywood.Fucking Hollywood......

Insidious aka (Not Trying to Reinvent the Wheel,But Damn Fine Horror Flick)

I have been waiting for this one for a long time. Its been almost a year since early write ups about "Insidious" being more old school in terms of horror,and that it was gee I don't know a horror movie that actually was kinda scary....damn what a concept!! And thank the lord its not a remake of an old slasher from the 80's,nor a remake of some little seen Asian horror flick,or an unnecessary sequel....but a gosh darn actual original story.....unbelievable.

Its kinda sad that its gotten to the point with theatrical horror films,where just the thought of an original concept has me all antsy and excited to see it,no matter what the concept.Seriously,if someone showed me a preview of a horror movie that dealt with a tire rolling around and killing....oh yeah I saw that last week....anyways I am just really glad to see an original horror film make it to the big screen and not be relegated to limited release and DTV like most of the actually deserving films of the genre have recently unfortunately been getting.

Look I'm not gonna tell you a whole lot about it,its a ghost story,you either like ghost stories or you don't.I personally love them.I mean I'd rather watch a good things going bump in the night ghost story,than a by the numbers slasher flick any day of the week,and unfortunately,no matter how you slice it (heh) pretty much every slasher is by the numbers nowadays.

James Wan has directed several flicks now,and really I can honestly say,he hasn't made a bad film yet.He did the original "Saw" which was way better than anything that followed in the series,He did "Dead Silence" (which this film sometimes has a feel of in some of the creepy moments) which was stylish and very much like an update of the old 1930's Universal horror films,and he did the kick ass Kevin "My Wife Thinks Your a God" Bacon flick "Death Sentence" that was again stylish and non stop in its action with some great camera work.The dude knows what the fuck he's doing.

I am stunned that this film cost only a million to make.It looks easily like it was made for at least 20 times that,and with a cast that includes insanely cute girl next door Rose "Stick It In My Bum" Byrne and Patrick "Always kind of a slacker/laid back attitude" Wilson its surprising that it was made so cheaply....yet so well.

If you want to see a good little horror flick that definitely delivers on the creep (with some sensational work of the surround sound,best I've heard in a horror movie at a theater since "The Strangers") you really should enjoy it,is it a perfect film? No,but its definitely worth seeing,and probably one of the better horror flicks of the year.

PS- I'm really glad to see it came in 3rd in the theaters this week with over $13 mil. Nice to see a non franchise,non sequel/remake that's not some crap ass sellout for the teens and tweeners (godawful crap like the Prom Night and Stepfather remakes). Sure its not going to probably make $50 mil,but that's a nice weekend for a film that was made for $1 mil. Especially considering that the genre hasn't exactly been tearing it up at the box office lately.This film needed to make what it did last week,so that hopefully the idiots who run the studios will not eventually start to give up on releasing horror films at the theaters,other than the sure things like Paranormal Activity 5 where the demon terrorizes big breasted Katie's cousins mothers nephews dog.

Rubber aka (Really, A F*@king Killer Tire??!! )

First off,let state,that I LOVE HD Movie Net. Its not the greatest movie channel ever,they dod show a lot of old stuff that I have no interest in,but they also show a bunch of stuff that I might not ever catch if they didn't show it.Thanks Mark Cuban.....

See at least once a month,they show a "sneak peek" showing of an independent film,usually,but not always a genre film. I have seen some great stuff early before they hit the screens in their limited release (which rarely if ever show on any screens in my area) and dvd,which I would have to more than likely have to buy to see (legally) since its more than likely not going to be in the Red Box up the street and no one goes to Blockbuster anymore so I doubt they would have half of these either.Anyways,its a pretty good deal this channel has going,plus these movies are in HD so that is pretty sweet also.Not that standard def bullshit that shows on Chiller (seriously,that channel is the worse looking channel of all time....get with the program!! Hopefully Comcast will get them up to speed) with 900 commercials every 8 minutes for back hair remover and that damn shower foot washer thing.....

Anyways, if it wasn't for HDMN, I probably wouldn't have seen "Rubber". I have read mostly really positive reviews for it,but seriously,a killer tire movie just sounds too ridiculous even to me....so now at least I can say I have seen it.

This movie is definitely not for everyone,I mean,again its a rolling around the desert killing people by exploding their heads "Scanners" style with a group of people watching this shit with binoculars from a distance (no explanation why the fuck these people are out there watching this shit is ever given). Its very random and would make a better short film,rather than an almost 90 minute film.

Honestly,I don't get the love that this movie is getting.It does have some funny and clever moments.But its just too out there for me.....look I'm not a moron jackass (regardless what the wife claims),I "got" the film,I just thought it was ok,and something I absolutely never need to see again.

So if you gotta see a killer tire movie than this is the one to see,but if you think its the stupidest sounding idea for a film since "Jaws: The Revenge" or some asshole giving Carrot Top a starring role in a movie,than there is no way in hell that you will like this so don't waste your time.

Paul aka (Not HAHAHAHAHA Funny,but more hehe Funny)

I LOVE "Shaun of the Dead" and I LOVE "Superbad" so when you put the creators of both together to make a film about a smart mouthed lil alien dude voiced by Seth Rogen you just think you might have the makings of comic gold. Well its not gold,but its not bad either.

"Paul" is the story of two geeks from England played by Simon Pegg and Nic Frost who are visiting the States to go to Comicon in San Diego and then visit all the famous "UFO" sites (think Area 51 and such). Well these two stumble upon an escaped alien (voiced by Rogen) who needs their help because the government is planning on deep sixing him and using his stem cells for research.

This film has a ton of people in it. I mean a ton,didn't go into it knowing all that much about it,so I was surprised at how many people they had in this film.They range from big parts for Kristen Wiig,Jason Batemen,Bill Hader...and so on and so on......if you have seen "Superbad" its got half the supporting cast in it.

Now,this isnt the laugh riot I thought it might be,Jason Batemen who has had some very funny roles,and specializes in the dry witty type roles,doesn't really have much of anything to do in this film.I mean his character is important and a sizable role,but its a straight role,that any jack ass no talent could do....Fucking Freddy Fucking Prinze Jr. could have played the role and it wouldn't have mattered. Actually I'm kinda amazed I have actually mention that no talents name twice in one day....just tells ya what I think of the mentioned roles......Ok back to the film,anyways it is funny and an enjoyable little flick.

I don't think anyone went into this thinking it would be a HUGE summer type release,and its not,its a nice time waster.They didn't set out to reinvent the wheel of comedy,but its a decent enough film.

And its nice to see Rogen branching out,but knowing his limits (kudos to him),he's good in certain parts and so I'm glad with this and "The Green Hornet" that he seems to have found his comfort zone.....for a while there I thought he was going to burn hisself out to the public by just about doing every film being made.....The dudes a funny dude,heres hoping he keeps picking the right roles.

So,to sum it up,you don't "Gotta See This !!" on the big screen,but if you don't feel like seeing Zack Snyders latest film that costs $150 mil to make and will make $45 mil aka "Sucker Punch" or you don't have any moneygrubbing snot nosed kid to drag your ass to either "Rango" or that "Wimpy Kid" bullshit,and you don't want to see Matt Damons latest "What the Fuck Dude?" flick.....you could do a lot worse.....

The Tourist aka (One Long Boring Mess)

Well that was disappointing. This is one long boring ass flick. Its got gorgeous scenery,Angelina Jolie looks fantastic (but could stand to eat a bit...Brad take her to a buffet or two dude),but damn this is one hollow ass film.

"The Tourist" is about an accomplice to a mob banker (Ms. Jolie),whose in Venice to meet said mob banker who has stolen over 2 billion dollars from the mob.He's evidently gone underground and changed his looks so much that no one will recognize him.Oh and Interpol is also after him. So with everyone and their mom looking for this dude,they need a decoy which comes in the form of Johnny Depp as a math teacher from Wisconsin (so one of the few recent roles where he doesnt have any kind of odd accent). So its laid out where you would think you could have some fun with the local and maybe have some nice action scenes and maybe some humor and voila a decent little action comedy.....uhm no.

Seriously this movie is poorly paced,what action scenes there are,aren't exactly exciting,and you have one of the most charismatic actors who is known for eccentric and entertaining characters and you have him in the role of one of the most boring non descript roles I think I have ever scene him in. This role is probably the least interesting character for Depp this side of his role in "The Nineth Gate". I mean they could have had anyone play this part and it wouldn't have mattered....seriously they could have gotten a dullard like Freddy Fucking Prinze Jr to play the part and it really wouldnt have been much different. Well other than maybe Anjelina saying"Fucking Prinze Jr??? Really fuck that I'm not fucking acting in a movie with fucking Freddy Prinze Jr!!).

Anyways,this is one big missed oppurtunity. If you gotta see it,spend the dollar at Red Box or those new Blockbuster machines (but for Gods sake return that shit within 24 hours so you dont spend more than that dollar).

Hall Pass aka (How The Farrelly Brothers Got Their Groove Back)

Well its about time Owen Wilson got his groove back. I know he had some issues a few years back,and he has been in some films since then,but I mean you star in "Marley and Me" no one gives a rats ass about who the people are,its about the frickin dog,they could have cast frickin Corey Feldman in it and it wouldn't have mattered.*

Anyways, I know a lot of people either love the dude or hate him,but ever since 1996 and "Bottle Rocket" I have loved the dudes just gee whiz care free attitude in films.He can be very funny.Ok your pretty much getting Owen Wilson as Owen Wilson,but I'll take that of the fat dude from "King of Queens" who's a one trick pony "Hey I'm Fat!!"... anyways I usually enjoy his flicks.But his recent films have been kind of ehhh.Well he comes back in spades with this film.

Same with the Farrelly brothers,I mean these guys in the 90's made some very funny films,from "Dumb and Dumber", their "Godfather" "Something About Mary",and "Me,Myself,and Irene".But after that they seemed to have lost their way,with crap that just wasn't as good,"Shallow Hall" and "Stuck On You"...just dull forced non funny over long crap. But damn did they get it right with "Hall Pass".

These two guys, Wilson and "Saturday Night Lives" Jason Sudekis are normal married guys who like all married dudes every once in a while likes to look at the chicks while with the wife and stuff and as stated in the film think if they weren't married they'd be banging every hard body around.So their wifes,the always good lucking Christina'You'll Always Be Kelly Bundy To Me" Applegate and the very cute Jenna Fischer decide to let them have a week of freedom.

This film is funny as hell,its seems like the Farrelly's took what was really funny from their old comedies and mixed it up with some Apatow like situations and brought to the screen some comic gold.This film is very funny. Now I will say,for the most part this is more of a guys film,so women might not like it as much,even though to be fair the two female costars actually have a decent amount to do in the film.So I don't know if this would be a preferable date night flick,or more of a guys night out kind.Probably a guys night out,if your with the lil lady just take her to "Red Riding Hood" if ya gotta see a comedy (yeah I know its not a comedy but have you read reviews about that piece of shit?Jeez).....

Anyways I LOVED this flick and when it comes out on Blu Ray I will definitely be buying this sooooo it can take its place with my other summer time late night "Scott Comic Gold Flicks" along with "Hot Tub Time Machine" and "Dazed and Confused"....I will be watching the shit out of it....I know my wife will be looking forward to it!!

* OK so this further strengthens that you CANNOT call Jennifer Aniston a Movie Star. Every movie that she has had that's been a hit is because she has a smart agent who knows to put her in flicks opposite an adorable dog in a film based on like the 2005 book of the year that was a stone cold lock to be a hit.Star opposite Jim Carrey and Vince Vaughn when you know everyone is going to see them,not her,and then do safe ensemble flicks that stars a shit load of people ala "He's Just Not Into You"....Shes not a box office draw,I mean no one saw "The Good Girl" or "Rumor Has It".

But to be fair to her,I'll take her every day of the week over that uber bitch Katherine Heigl!!

The Expendables aka (The Movie Equivalent of Nickleback- Corny,Cheesy,Generic,Dumb,and Just Basically Sucks)

The Expendables was probably one of my bigger disappointments of last summer. The previews had made it look like it might be a fun, action flick with a wink and not taking itself too seriously. And after seeing the A Team,which I thoroughly enjoyed for its comedic tone and enjoyable action, I was hoping for something similar with this. Damn was I disappointed.

The cats for this movie was like an old school action junkies wet dream, Stallone, Dolph Lundgren,Jet Li,Stone Cold Steve Austin, Bruce Willis,Ahnold, Jason Statham, and Mickey Rourke,and Eric Roberts being all Eric Robertsy (Gotta love when he goes all Eric Robertsy).....if done right this could have been a blast.Unfortunately its done for the most part very seriously and its written and acted like its straight out of 1985. And that's unfortunate.

See,until "Die Hard" came out in 88' most action flicks had turned into basically all the same generic crap....our hero is this unstoppable dude who goes to some made up country (with a ridiculously bad name,with a bad generic usually Hispanic character actor as some hokey "EVIL" dictator), said hero meets within the first 5 minutes of being in the country some ridiculously hot chick who's either leading a revolution against said dictator,or just out for revenge for said dictator killing her family or her dog or something. Then you'd get an hour of explosions, the hero sneaking up behind some non descript soldiers who would just be deaf as hell and always looking the opposite direction just waiting to either have their throat slashed,or neck broken,without getting one shot off or making any noise what so ever. Then big fight with the dictators roided up main guy,kill that dude,have a final stand off with the dictator holding the awesomely hot chick at gunpoint (usually with fire and or explosions all around),kill the dictator,hold the awesomely bosomy chick who now is crying in our hero's arms.....a little prologue where our hero says good by to hot chick and flys off into the sunset.The End.

That's pretty much every action movie from 1983 to 1987....and man were there a shit load of them.Then along came "Die Hard" and that changed things up (At least for a while) with a normal guy trying to handle an extraordinary circumstance against a very cool bad guy (Rickman Rules!!!). Of course after that movie the studios did what they do to everything and ran that kinda flick into the ground,and eventually for the most part action flicks kinda went the way of the DTV and late night cable.

Jason Statham still is making action flicks kinda along these lines,but a lot of them are on the cartoony side and don't take themselves seriously,and once every few years theres a new Fast and the Furious (Whenever the studio and the actors need cash),but you just haven't seen a ton of very memorable action flicks in years.

That seems to be changing a little as now,with this new breed of action flick kinda bringing the popcorn movie fun action of yesteryear's flicks along with a good bit of humor and some entertaining villains,and usually they are never what I just described a few paragraphs ago. Well that is except "The Expendables".

This movie is pretty much every cliche from every bad 80's action movie all rolled into one big boring overly long piece of crap. The actors for the most part are just there.I mean Jet Li seems like he's annoyed that he even has to do any of his action scenes,Stallone is Stallone,Statham is the usual likable chap,but it just seems like everyone is phoning it in.I mean for crying out loud you have Mickey FUCKING Rourke in the damn film and he has absolutely nothing to do in the damn film,except fucking act like he's putting a tattoo on someone and smoking a fucking pipe. Just lame. You know your in trouble when the guy obviously that gets "it" and is just having a blast with his role is Lundgren (who has been relegated to DTV excrement for the last 20 yrs and its obvious he is giving relishing actually being in a movies that's on a big screen,and I'm not talking about a 60 inch plasma) your in trouble.

Hell this movie got to the point when I was sitting there looking at my watch wishing that they'd bring the Dolph back to liven things up (and let me know when that's ever happened to you) and this was after having about 5 beers before the movie and seeing it in the middle of the day. This movie should have had me sitting there with a smile on my face enjoying the shit out of it,but instead I was sitting there wondering if I should have seen "Eat,Fucking Pray,and God Shoot Me Love" instead.......not really,but hopefully you know what I mean.Just a big dull disappointment.

And Soon the Darkness aka (HOTNESS!!!!!)

Hotness!!!!!!!! Seriously, you don't know how long I have been wanting to see this flick!! First off its got yours truly's favorite thing of hotness (well of course after my honey of a wife of course) in Amber "Don't Call Me Ann Heche" Heard (seriously,my wife gave me crap when she came "out"...but would you really not want to see her make out with another woman....really???).

Anyways,between the fantastically hot Ms. Heard (who actually in her last few flicks is showing some pretty decent acting chops to go along with the hotness.....I might be able to forgive her for the craptacular "Stepfather" remake sooner than later) and Odette "When the Hell Did Her Last Name Become Annable" Yustman (the camletoe in "Unborn") you have about as beautiful a pair of leading ladies as you'll ever be able to get. The fact that the film is also a nice little time filler doesn't hurt one bit either.

The film deals with the old standard of young Americans vacationing in a foreign land (Argentina in this case) and running into the wrong group of locals who are definitely on the shady side. yeah this is a remake of a little seen 1970 British thriller,but the basics have been seen a billion times thanks to frickin Eli "Hey Look I'm Hanging With Tarantino and I Haven't Really Done A Whole Hell of A Lot In The Last 4 Years" Roth and "Hostel" back in 2006. Actually its a shame this one wasn't made around that time,because I think it would have been been better recepted by the general public.

Its a good film,beautifully photographed and is well acted.Yeah its not going to change cinematic history,but really if your just in the mood to see a decent little thriller with a severe case of the hotness,you could do WAAAAAY worse than this.