The Chocolate War aka (Holy Shit Its Got Wyatt From Weird Science In It...What The Hell Happened To That Dude??)

So if you grew up in the eighties,you probably remember a novel by the name of "The Chocolate War" that was like (at least in my schools) one of the most popular novels for teens at that time. I never read it (which wont shock my wife,she thinks the extent to my reading is magazines anyways). I had always meant to read it back then but my busy social life kept me from doing so (if my wife reads that...shes probably yelling BULLSHIT!!). I had heard it was a really good read,never knew that there was an actual film based on it.

Well,I was going through the movie channels last night,and came across this on The Movie Channel (love that channel). Its a 1988 flick,and its actually very well done. Plus its the only other movie I've ever seen that has Wyatt from "Weird Science" in it.Seriously....I know Anthony Micheal Hall kinda disappeared for awhile,and Robert Downey Jr,was busy as hell getting fucked up.But what the hell happened to this dude??*

If you were to take the feeling of "Dead Poets Society" and throw in the teen angst of an 80's John Hughes film minus the really funny comedy,and add a really good soundtrack with Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush among the artist...you get "The Chocolate War"

Its the first movie directed by Keith Gordon,who was the quintessential dorky dude/son in most of the early 80's films,including,"Dress to Kill,"Christine,and so on....he was in a lot of shit....I'm surprised he actually hasn't done more theatrical films after watching this (it appears he has settled into directing tv,which is cool),but I was really impressed with his direction in this film.

The story concerns a catholic high school with a domineering Father running things with an iron fist played by that perennial 80's asshole John "I Should Have Had Hart Bochners Asshole Role In Die Hard" Glover....this dude was great at playing a prick in EVERY movie.He does so again in this one. Anyways the school is terrorized by the secret student group called the Vigils. This group is led by the dude that plays the science dork in CSI (the original,not one of the 30 spin offs) and Adam Baldwin (who has been in everything,and by the way was like 27 years old when he made this...the dude was the bodyguard in frickin "My Bodyguard" back in 1980). Oh the lil fucker who was Percy in "The Green Mile" is also a Vigil,and he isn't as much as a creep/asshole as usual....

Anyways Glover is running his annual chocolate sale,in which each student is to sell 50 boxes of chocolates. This is evidently a big frickin deal. The Vigils have each underclassmen have to do some assignment/prank when called upon.Dork ass CSI guy assigns Wyatt from "Weird Science" to not sell chocolates for 10 days.This causes a lot of problems with Herr Glover,until he finds out its a prank and that after the 10th day Wyatt from "Weird Science" is supposed to accept selling chocolates.Well after the 10th day,Wyatt still refuses.And Herr Glover pressures the Vigils to try to pressure Wyatt from "Weird Science" to sell those fucking chocolates.

This is a very good movie,and too be honest,doesn't feel dated at all.The soundtrack is great,and the film feels like the independent type flicks that are made nowadays that get raves and usually star Zoey "Don't Be A Mopey Gus" Deschannel and/or the kid from "Third Rock"....Its a very good film....its narrative is not always straight forward,but its a very well done movie.Glad I caught it last night.If you get a chance,check it out.

* Come to find out Wyatt....uhm I mean Ilan Mitchell Smith quit acting in 1991 and is now a History professor at Texas A and M. Nice job dude!!!

Survival of the Dead aka (Ok George Enough With The Zombie Crap...How About Monkeyshines 2?)

So I've heard a lot of crap about this one. Seems like when it was first hitting the film festival route people were all about it,claiming it was phenomenal...hell it premiered at Cannes last year and Romero got a standing ovation (of course the French also love them some Jerry Lewis....so..)...anyways as the months passed on it seemed to get more and more negative pub....I was just surprised that a film that started as a supposedly critical darling could end up with a 35% on Rottentomatos.

Well after watching it on HD MovieNet on which the film had its "premier" last night,I can completely understand why.Simply put,its a total piece of crap.

Seriously,I know Romero is old,and has been a revered director for eons....but really,talk about hitting a rut....this is his 3rd "Dead" movie in 6 years,and his sixth overall.....I think its time to either retire,or move on to something else.

Anyways,the movie is about the national guard troops who actually made an appearance in "Diary of the Dead" (Romero's previous Dead flick that I liked).Anyways the movie follows these soldiers who have been rummaging through the countryside,taking what they can get,and just trying to survive,when they stumble upon an armoured car with over a million dollars in it.So naturally,they say screw the jeep,let ride in the truck with the mad cash,and away they go.Anyways no sooner than have they gotten down the road when they discover an Internet message from this old crusty Irish dude calling himself Captain Courageous who is telling anyone and everyone to come to Palm Isle to be safe.Yeah that always goes well in these types of movies....

Well Captain Courageous turns to be this cranky foul mouthed Irish dude (is there any other type?) name O Flynn who with his posse had been kicked off Palm Island by his mortal enemy,another Irish clan led by Muldoon (another complete Irish asshole)....why the fuck are there all these Irish fuckers on an island off Delaware? Seriously?? There is like a fuck load of them (and cowboys??) on this island....Romero...WTF??!!

Anyways,the soldiers go to the island and take O'Flynn with them.The big debate between O'Flynn and Muldoon is that O'Flynn wants to kill the zombies,while Muldoon wants to train them to eat something other than Irish ass...so you put that together with the Hatfield and Mckoy shenanigans and throw in some zombies...and thats basically it.

Now,to be fair to it,the cinematography is actually some of the best I've seen in a Romero film in some time,its fall like setting is filmed great,and there is some atmosphere at times on the island thanks to the cinematography.The problem is the writing is bad,and at times Romero throws in random almost cartoon moments.And the FX....is pretty godawful.CGI and zombie movies don't go well together.The cgi decapitations (theres one scene with like 8 zombie heads on sticks that's just silly),that and theres a baaaaad scene where a soldier uses a fire hydrant to cause a zombies head to explode....just awful.I know people will say cgi is cheaper....but I have seen enough 70's and 80's horror flicks that were low budget (including Romeros) to know that you can have realistically done practical effects....seriously if Romero is going to continue to do these flicks (which I hope he doesn't)....for god sake go practical with the shit!!!

Just awful.....

The Losers aka (Ehhh...Not Bad ....For A TV Show)

FYI....if your making a movie,based on some comic boo...oh excuse graphic novel...whatever...fuck it...a comic book that the general public doesn't have a clue about,but you have high hopes of making it a franchise....even though the possible franchise is very reminiscent of a certain 80's action/comedy TV series that has been remade into a theatrical film that just so happens to be coming out in...oh about a month or two. How about making the film a stand alone film,instead of having it feel at the end like a goddamn TV series.

Seriously, "The Losers" is a decent little TV pilot for a TNT/FX series. It has a few nice action scenes and is pretty at times to look at (especially one scene involving a bullet shattered window..very nice shot!!),but really at the end of the it,your just sitting there going...."so when is the next episode??"

"The Losers" stars Jeffrey "Papa Winchester" Dean Morgan,Chris "Really Dude Enough With The Comic Book Characters" Evans,Columbus "My Wife Loved You In Stomp The Yard" Short,and Zoe "She Really Made Maxims Top 5 Hottest?? Nobody Really Knows Who The Hell She Is....I Thought She Was Jada Pinkett In The Previews" Seldana.Oh and that dude Idris Elba who is in that damn black Christmas movie that Starz shows ALL THE TIME (in months like...July)...they play a gang of misfits who were a special ops unit that is framed and presumed dead....and seek to clear their name and get revenge...stop me if you've heard that before...

So yeah....its the frickin A Team basically,with Chris"Dude How About Something That Wasn't Based On Something I Stopped Buying When I Was 12 For A Change" Evans...basically playing the same character Chris Evans always plays...which is ok here as its the Face character from the A Team,except a lot goofier....oh and Papa Winchester is basically the Hannibal character...and so on,and so on....so basically this is the B Team...heck maybe the B- Team...

The look of the film as stated is nice,and some action scenes are really nice....the best part of the movie is Jason "With The Ever Greater Receding Hair Line" Patric who plays the villain behind all of the villainy,and is actually pretty funny...in that "he's playing the role as such an odd dude,that he's gotta be playing it up for laughs" kinda role.He is pretty funny in this flick.

Anyways,if your a huge "A Team" fan and cant wait to see the film,and have seen all the tv episodes on TV Land,then you'll probably enjoy this one. I would definitely though say,to wait and see it on dvd or cable,don't waste $10 on a ticket to see this at the theaters.

The New Daughter aka (What The Hell Was Wrong With The Old One??)

I like Kevin Costner...he's a capable actor who is very good at playing the normal,everyman....when he tries to get out of that normal,everyman kind of role and tries something different....like say oh,maybe having a British accent and shooting arrows,like he did in "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves" or playing a roguish futuristic dude looking for water in the suckage that was "Waterworld"....well he kinda struggles,and the movies struggle along with him.

Yet when he gets a role that suits his style (lets face it he doesn't have a ton of range)...well he and the film usually turn out very well. "The New Daughter" is his newest film,and like "The Descent Part 2" I cant understand why it didn't get a theatrical release here in the states.Is it blockbuster material?? No,but it also is better than a lot of the crap that has been released at the theaters in the last 5 months....especially considering the dearth of horror films that have been released this year...There is no reason why this and "The Descent Part 2" should not have been released sometime in the last 5 months.Costner's film would have been perfect theater fodder for a dreary February weekend.But oh well,I'm not a studio head,so screw it.

"The New Daughter" stars the Costner as a newly divorced father who has gotten custody of his two kids.His tweener pain in the ass daughter...seriously what a miserable little girl,shes all screwed up with hormones and other crap that make her one whiny lil bitch....she's played by the little Spanish girl that starred in "Pans Labyrinth" a few years back....she does a very good job,being a whiny pain in the ass....if I'd been the Costner I would have sent her ass back to her Moms...jeez...anyways he also has a younger son that is the good kid....

So the Costner and his brood move to a remote countryside house in South Carolina,and no sooner do they get there than strange shit starts to occur,and I'm not talking about the Costner's daughter's first menstrual cycle...his kids find an odd hill in the backyard,that might or might not be an ancient burial ground...and the Costner's daughter starts being even more of a pain in the ass,and starts acting even stranger than normal 13 year old girls,by making her hobby,not anything normal,like listening to Jonas Brothers albums and having sexual fantasies about that gay looking shit from those "Twilight" flicks....nope she starts just hanging out on the hill and for some reason getting all dirty,like she was practicing for Friday Night Mud Fights down at Leroy's Wings and Things....and she starts to act very off,and having odd bumps on her back.

Oh and there is definitely something in that hill,and it isn't friendly.

This is a decent little flick.It has a very Spanish horror feel to it (non Rec movies kinda Spanish horror)....think Devils Backbone,The Orphanage,and stuff like that...this of course can be contributed to having been done by a Spanish director Louis A. Berdejo who wrote the American remake of "Rec" aka "Quarantine"....for a first time director,he does a very good job with the slow burn,and also he has made a very atmospheric little film.

The Costner and the rest of the cast all do a very good job....this film reminded me of M Knight's film "Signs" (in a good way)...If your up for a decent deliberately slow paced horror film,with some good atmosphere...and/or you like when the Costner is in a good film,check this one out.

The Descent Part 2 aka (Stuck In A Dark,Wet,Filthy,Smelly Place...Kinda Like Having Sex With Paris Hilton)

I have no clue why the heck this one didn't get a theatrical release. Seriously,this one is a lot better than the bullshit getting released (horror wise at least),and yet it quietly snuck onto the dvd/Blu Ray shelves just last week with little fan fare....and I think that's ridiculous.

The Descent is widely claimed (and deservedly so) as one of the finest horror films of at least the last 20 years. It of course was a British production,and was a big hit overseas,prior to being released here in the states.It didn't make a killing here in the states,but did ok....now I don't know what the sequel did over seas...but I really cant see why the hell this didn't get a better release here in the US.

If you haven't seen the original....you gotta see it....its frickin great!! I wont go into complete detail,but I'll just say its about 5 women including one insanely hot chick name Juno (MOWWW!!!) who go spelunking in the mountains in western Va and end up running into some very nasty pale naked dudes who want to eat em (in a bad way,not the good way).Anyways,it might seem like a simple plot,but its well done,shot extremely well,acted very well,and its a rare horror film that actually has some decent scares,and not just stupid jump scare with loud music that only scare the 14 yr old girls like 90 % of horror films released nowadays are slaves to.Just an excellent film.Plus again....Juno is HAWT!!!

Anyways the sequel follows a few days after the women went missing in the caves...only one of them survives (its not Hotness),and is taken to a hospital....she of course due to the events has blacked out,and doesn't remember much of anything....but evidently because Her Hotness...uhm I mean Juno is the daughter of some big wig senator the local sheriff is bound and determine to get the surviving girl to assist in going down into the caves to look for them....

And that's what happens....its kinda like Aliens in that way,that the girl Sarah becomes this kind of pale naked cannibal killing machine.....she goes totally bad ass on these fuckers....

What I liked about this,is that it felt like a continuation of the first one,which isn't always a guarantee with sequels,especially with a different director taking over....but this one does,and it doesn't do what a lot of sequels do and just bam,have people getting attacked by the monsters within the first 10 minutes....it builds gradually towards the attacks,much like the original did...that was a good thing,most sequels are usually dumbed down and loud and more violent...this is definitely more violent,but I didn't feel that they cheated in anyway with this film.It is truly a worthwhile sequel.

So,if you haven't seen the original Descent,check that out and then proceed directly to this one...hell if you haven't seen the original in awhile,make it a double feature,and enjoy two fine horror films (that's not always a guarantee nowadays!!)