Phobos aka ( Phobos in Russian Should Mean SHIT)

In all my years of watching horror films,I've seen great ones,I've seen some damn fine films,some good/decent ones,and I have seen a bunch of godawful shit. "Phobos" definitely falls into the latter. Man what a total waste of time....seriously,the only good thing that came out of this film is the knowledge that,yes other countries can make films as inept as their American counterparts.

I'm not going to talk too much about this film.....the less said the better,wish I could like forget the fucker.Anyways,the film is about a bunch of 20 somethings that look much like some CW wannabes who are at a nightclub that some of them are prepping to open.(Sounds harmless enough). Well little do they know that their club is located over the remnants of an old KGB bunker that was used for experiments back in the Soviet era.

In a moment that is pretty much directly stolen from the remake of "House On Haunted Hill" they somehow trigger a lock down on the club that causes them to be trapped within the club,with no known way out.Once they find the bunker it appears that some kind of supernatural entity is after them....is it a ghost of some tortured soul that has been trapped down there forever,is it just some unnameable evil that has been contained within these walls for a long time? Who the fuck knows....

Look,the sad bit about this big heaping pile of shit,is that the idea of a Russian flick dealing with unknown evils from the Soviet Union past has possibilities...shit I'm all for it...its nice for it to not be Nazis for a change...I mean in all honesty,the Soviets against the Nazis in World War II to put in perspective would be like trying to figure out if you should root for the Cowboys or the Eagles if your a Redskins fan...their both evil...fuck em both!! Ok that was a bit off the subject,but the whole KGB stuff has possibilities...its fresh....so when film makers run out of Nazi zombie flicks they can turn to those KGB fuckers......so at least the film has that one good thing going for it....but a nice idea does not make a good movie.

A huge problem with it,is that basically anytime something creepy happens in the film (and there are a couple) they are 20 seconds later explained as some easily explainable thing...such as ....well that dead body moved.....because so and so moved it...or that wasn't a KGB spirit that called from a disconnected phone and said you were going to die for answering the phone....it was me!! This shit went on and on....and on....and on....Just awful.Oh there is supernatural shit going on,which made the previously mentioned bullshit all the more nonsensical....this is just a poorly written (kinda like this review) and put together film....just awful....oh and the ending,is a total fucking cop out....I wont say what it is,but I couldn't believe they went there....for those of you that know your TV history lets just say it has a lot in common with the old TV show "Dallas" IFYKWIM.....just fucking flabbergasting.

* Ok that was a LOT longer than I planned for for this review....sorry!!!

S.N.U.B. aka (S.U.C.K.)

I had read about this British film called S.N.U.B. that sounded like it might be an intense little flick that sounded like it could be along the lines of a Night of the Living Dead type film but set in a government nuclear bunker.Sounded like it could be right up my alley. Well unfortunately this film sucks.

S.N.U.B. stands for Secret Nuclear Underground Bunker. The whole film takes place in one,which is fine if the film can build suspense and the characters aren't a bunch total frickin nimrods.Which is what this film is loaded with. The film deals with a group of people who happen to be visiting one of these bunkers ,theres a twit lower level government official and his assistant,theres a government officials wife and kids who for some odd reason are visiting and planning to stay at the bunker for a vacation?? A whore who is fucking said government official whose wife and family are there (and find out about her fairly quickly....what a schmuck)probably a good thing he didn't make it to the bunker.A delivery guy and his bike...again??...and some soldiers....well this random group end up lucking out and being in this bunker when a terrorist dirty bomb goes off and totally nukes London and the surrounding area.

The group not only has to deal with each other and not knowing if there is anything still alive outside of the bunker,but there is something on the outside trying to get in.

Like I said,this setup sounded good to me (granted this was before I knew how bad the characters were),unfortunately this just never gels. I mean 5 minutes after they get locked in the bunker after the blast,and figuring out the outside world might be totally fried,a couple of characters start making goo goo eyes and flirting with each other (Really??) and just stupid idiotic banter just continues throughout until the radiated people from outside (they turn out to be french fried escaped prisoners from a nearby prison) start trying to bust in and kill them all.

The idea for this is interesting and in all honesty,it has a few moments that are well done.The outside of the bunker shots after the blast are nice and the fact that they aren't afraid to have kids get killed on screen...nice job...but shit the writing is just awful.Anytime pretty much someone said something you just wanted them to shut the fuck up.

And the way they french fried prisoners look is bad...they aren't scary at all....considering how the outside shots were done (If you have seen the film "Sunshine" think of the shots where they are looking at the sun in that room and have to wear sunglasses because of the blinding light) and considering that they obviously didn't have a ton of money,it would have been preferable to just keep the prisoners in shots similar to the way the baddie in "Sunshine" was shot....would have been much more effective.Oh and the ending is just totally asinine.

Anyways,nice idea and some nice FX shots,but damn this movie is just total crap.

Inception aka (WTF??.... But In A Good WTF? Kinda Way)

"Inception" is everything a Nicolas Cage movie nowadays usually isn't,its smartly written,well thought out,well acted throughout,great direction,it doesn't insult your intelligence,actually makes you have to pay attention,and something that you will actually have you thinking about it after it concludes and your leaving the theater...not like with most of the Cages stuff where your just wondering why you just spent another $10 on film by a dude that hasn't made hardly anything worth a fuck since 1999.

Directed by Chris Nolan,the man behind "Memento","Insomnia","The Prestige",and the always awesome "Dark Knight" has really turned it up a notch with his latest film.

"Inception" stars Leonardo "I Really Would Like To Do Something Lighter Next....Like Maybe Hot Tub Time Machine 2: The 90's Strike Back" Dicaprio as a thief of dreams who is hired by a Japanese businessman to get into the dreams of Cillian "I Swear I Don't Have The Rage Virus" Murphy to take advantage of some internal secrets from a competing company.Dicaprio is a flawed dude,much as he was in "Shutter Island" as he is continuously haunted by a dead wife in this one just as he was in that movie. There is a lot going on in this movie,its not going to have you lost,but it is a movie you need to pay attention to."National Treasure" this ain't.If you pay attention you should have no problem following,and you'll be rewarded with a very enjoyable movie.

Everything about this movie is first rate. You knew coming in this was going to be well directed,the FX are fantastic,and every actor is at the top of their game...hell even frickin Juno...who I loathe,actually is good in this,even though she still looks like she's 12.Its a fast paced movie,especially for a movie that's 2 hours and 28 minutes long (it really didn't seem that long).

Is this my favorite movie of the year....no,but I would see this again in a heart beat.Something tells me this is the type of movie that's so well layered that you will pick up something new every time that you watch it. Chris Nolan might be the best director out there today.Again this is the exact opposite of 90% of the Cages recent filmography....you actually get your moneys worth,and you wont feel stupid for seeing it.

Predators aka (Coming Soon....Adrien Brody is......"Commando"!!!)

When I had heard the rumors of a "reboot" of "Predator" I was very skeptical. I thought here we go again,a studio using the "reboot" thing to just use as another name for remake and we would just end up with a rehash of the original film. Once I saw Robert "Yeah that Little Fucker From The Twilight Films Owes Me For Putting His Ass In Shark Boy and Lava Girl" Rodriguez was involved...well lets just say I was kinda curious. Then I saw Adrien "I Didn't Have To Lose An Ounce To Be In "The Pianist"" Brody was involved also,I thought it definitely had potential as he usually doesn't do crap movies (even his flops like "The Jacket" at least aren't total ass crap). Then I saw the previews and just was totally stoked about this fucker.

"Predators" frickin rocks!! There isn't a ton to detail in terms of the script....I mean you have some peeps and some Predators fucking them up....what more do ya need to know?? Your either with it right there or your going out to see the next god awful Gerard Butler chick flick (seriously dude who the fuck is picking your films??).

Rodriguez doesn't do crap,and even though he didn't direct this (Nimrod Antal directed...he did the Larry Fishburn flick "Armoured" and "Vacancy" with Kate "MMMMMM" Beckinsale) he did write the story and it fits in perfectly with the original and washes away all the disgusting residue left from that horrid nightmare known as "AVP:Requiem"...blahhh...

Adrien Brody does a nice job with his role,he plays a hard ass,looking out for himself ,and he's stuck with several other characters that if in the hands of a non descript writer would have come across as very one dimensional,but thanks to some nice touches,plus having some actors that can flesh them out some,they all come across as something more than that,and that helps the film....hell even Topher "I'm Not Tobey Maguire Dammit!!" Grace isn't annoying in this,and does a nice job with his part.

Look this film isn't for everyone,but if you love action movies,and or love the original,or you want to see a Sci Fi flick that wasn't made with your 9 year old brother in mind (Its not in 3D!! Thank God!!) go check it out...its definitely worth it!!!

Salvage aka (What That Piece of Sh@t AVP:R Should Have Been Like)

I know I might rave a bit too much about how much better British horror has been recently when compared to its counterparts here in the States,but "Salvage" just reinforces my feelings.

"Salvage" is about a small neighborhood caul de sac in some non descript area of England that wakes up one morning with the military shutting down the area as there has been a shipping container that washed ashore nearby that whatever was in it got out and its some bad shit. The military wont say what it is,and most of them dont seem to really know what it is anyways. There is a distinct edge to all that is going on as the people start to begin thinking its a terrorist attack,then the shit hits the proverbial fan as what was in the container starts wrecking shop.This thing doesnt discreminate in its killing either (and neither do the soldiers) as civillians and soldiers alike are getting bruttally killed whatever the fuck this thing is.

This film is edge of your seat nuts. Its intense and once it gets going it doesnt stop. The film was a low budget flick but much like the film "Mulberry St" (which it sometimes reminded me of) from a few years ago,they do a lot with a little. The creature is always pretty much out of focus (and to be honest thats a good thing as once you actually see the ting it comes across as the Frankenstien monster from Edisons version of Frankstein from 1910*) and this adds to the intensity as leaving things to the imagination just adds to the intensity.The way it was shot (another thing that reminded me of "Mulberry St") is very in your face...as it was obviously shot with hand held cameras which add to the "you are there" feel to it.

Honestly if AVP:R had been something like this,I would probably be wishing for AVP:R 2 Electric Boogaloo....this is everything that that croc of horse shit should have been like...plus you can actually see what the fuck is going on in this fucker.

If you get a chance definitely check out Salvage.

* Ok this might be going a little deep in terms of comparisons,but seriously the fucker does kinda look like the monster in that film...trust the it doesnt look this silly in the dark....

Grown Ups aka (How To Make Chris Rock Unfunny)

When I saw the poster for "Grown Ups" the first time and saw the cast....I thought,Hot Damn!! That's got potential to be a ridiculously funny flick. Well....unfortunately this is one under performing comedy.Don't get me wrong,there are some laughs to be had,and it is a diverting enough flick,but with the people involved this should have been a much funnier film.

I wont go all into details about the plot (Sandler has two types of films nowadays...semi comedic/kinda serious..think "Funny People and stupid funny...think "Don't Mess With the Zohan")...this is along the lines of "Zohan",but as odd as it is to say,its not as funny as that film.

Sandler seems to be coasting through this film,Kevin James....look dude I like ya enough you seem like a nice enough guy and I have seen you funny in the past and you have a few moments here....but seriously dude...have you ever heard of range??? I mean I get it,you've made a living off of being the lovable schlep.."Hey I'm Fat" routine,seriously dude, get out of the comfort zone a lil bit occasionally (like how about playing a one eyed pedophile in some flick or something)...now I will say Rob Schneider and David Spade have some funny stuff and seem to be enjoying having big parts in a potential blockbuster...they pull their weight....

But the thing that gets me is...Chris Rock is one of..if not the funniest man on the fricking planet,and they basically cut his nuts off...not literally,but damn,how the fuck do you have Rock be such a mundane character....I mean seriously they could have had Tim Meadows play his character...He has one really fun line and that's towards the end of the film...and that's it...just really disappointing....

So to sum it up,if your the audience who thought Paul Blart was a film of comedic genius you'll probably love this movie,for me,it was an OK time waster,if I had to offer a suggestion,I'd say wait till either dvd or cable....of course this is from the guy who thinks "Zoolander" is comic gold,so keep that in mind.

The Disappeared aka (Kinda Like An M Knight Flick....Back When His Movies Weren't Sh*t)

So I'd been hearing good things about the British import The Disappeared,that was recently picked up by IFC Films (Who by the way for the past year should be applauded for all the independent horror that they have been responsible for bringing to the home viewing market...they bring in a lot of good shit).Anyways,they've done it again,this is a very good flick.

The Disappeared is about a British teen who has been distraught since his little brother went disappearing while he was supposed to watch him,but instead was rocking out with his cock out with his buds,while his little bro went to the park and ran into some serious stranger danger....anyways its months later and the teen is just out of the hospital after counseling to try and get over the disappearance.

After he gets home and starts hanging with his rough neck dad,he starts seeing and hearing things,and believes his brother has come back. It doesn't take long to realize that lil dude is a ghost and he's either trying to tell big bro "Fuck You ya prick for not watching me!!" and haunting his ass,or he's trying to tell him something about what happened.And his little brother isn't the only ghost/supernatural thing going on in this film.

Eventually as the pieces start to come together,with some of it being predictable,but never boring,this little pic turns into an engrossing and well acted/directed film.The use of light in this is really well done,as when there is a ghostly presence,the lighting alters slightly....I mentioned M Knight in the title,but actually it somewhat reminded me of something along the lines of "Stir of Echos" in style with a more supernatural presence...if that makes sense.Plus you get to see Malfoy from the Harry Potter flicks,not play an A Hole for a change as he plays the teens best bud.And I gotta say he's set for life for roles as SS soldiers/officers for the rest of his career,so dude start looking for WW II flicks!!! He just has that look....

Anyways,I cant say enough about this flick,I really enjoyed the hell out of it.Its one of the better independent horror flicks that I've seen this year....hell one of the best horror films of this year....if you get a chance to see it...do so!!