Phobos aka ( Phobos in Russian Should Mean SHIT)

In all my years of watching horror films,I've seen great ones,I've seen some damn fine films,some good/decent ones,and I have seen a bunch of godawful shit. "Phobos" definitely falls into the latter. Man what a total waste of time....seriously,the only good thing that came out of this film is the knowledge that,yes other countries can make films as inept as their American counterparts.

I'm not going to talk too much about this film.....the less said the better,wish I could like forget the fucker.Anyways,the film is about a bunch of 20 somethings that look much like some CW wannabes who are at a nightclub that some of them are prepping to open.(Sounds harmless enough). Well little do they know that their club is located over the remnants of an old KGB bunker that was used for experiments back in the Soviet era.

In a moment that is pretty much directly stolen from the remake of "House On Haunted Hill" they somehow trigger a lock down on the club that causes them to be trapped within the club,with no known way out.Once they find the bunker it appears that some kind of supernatural entity is after them....is it a ghost of some tortured soul that has been trapped down there forever,is it just some unnameable evil that has been contained within these walls for a long time? Who the fuck knows....

Look,the sad bit about this big heaping pile of shit,is that the idea of a Russian flick dealing with unknown evils from the Soviet Union past has possibilities...shit I'm all for it...its nice for it to not be Nazis for a change...I mean in all honesty,the Soviets against the Nazis in World War II to put in perspective would be like trying to figure out if you should root for the Cowboys or the Eagles if your a Redskins fan...their both evil...fuck em both!! Ok that was a bit off the subject,but the whole KGB stuff has possibilities...its fresh....so when film makers run out of Nazi zombie flicks they can turn to those KGB fuckers......so at least the film has that one good thing going for it....but a nice idea does not make a good movie.

A huge problem with it,is that basically anytime something creepy happens in the film (and there are a couple) they are 20 seconds later explained as some easily explainable thing...such as ....well that dead body moved.....because so and so moved it...or that wasn't a KGB spirit that called from a disconnected phone and said you were going to die for answering the phone....it was me!! This shit went on and on....and on....and on....Just awful.Oh there is supernatural shit going on,which made the previously mentioned bullshit all the more nonsensical....this is just a poorly written (kinda like this review) and put together film....just awful....oh and the ending,is a total fucking cop out....I wont say what it is,but I couldn't believe they went there....for those of you that know your TV history lets just say it has a lot in common with the old TV show "Dallas" IFYKWIM.....just fucking flabbergasting.

* Ok that was a LOT longer than I planned for for this review....sorry!!!

S.N.U.B. aka (S.U.C.K.)

I had read about this British film called S.N.U.B. that sounded like it might be an intense little flick that sounded like it could be along the lines of a Night of the Living Dead type film but set in a government nuclear bunker.Sounded like it could be right up my alley. Well unfortunately this film sucks.

S.N.U.B. stands for Secret Nuclear Underground Bunker. The whole film takes place in one,which is fine if the film can build suspense and the characters aren't a bunch total frickin nimrods.Which is what this film is loaded with. The film deals with a group of people who happen to be visiting one of these bunkers ,theres a twit lower level government official and his assistant,theres a government officials wife and kids who for some odd reason are visiting and planning to stay at the bunker for a vacation?? A whore who is fucking said government official whose wife and family are there (and find out about her fairly quickly....what a schmuck)probably a good thing he didn't make it to the bunker.A delivery guy and his bike...again??...and some soldiers....well this random group end up lucking out and being in this bunker when a terrorist dirty bomb goes off and totally nukes London and the surrounding area.

The group not only has to deal with each other and not knowing if there is anything still alive outside of the bunker,but there is something on the outside trying to get in.

Like I said,this setup sounded good to me (granted this was before I knew how bad the characters were),unfortunately this just never gels. I mean 5 minutes after they get locked in the bunker after the blast,and figuring out the outside world might be totally fried,a couple of characters start making goo goo eyes and flirting with each other (Really??) and just stupid idiotic banter just continues throughout until the radiated people from outside (they turn out to be french fried escaped prisoners from a nearby prison) start trying to bust in and kill them all.

The idea for this is interesting and in all honesty,it has a few moments that are well done.The outside of the bunker shots after the blast are nice and the fact that they aren't afraid to have kids get killed on screen...nice job...but shit the writing is just awful.Anytime pretty much someone said something you just wanted them to shut the fuck up.

And the way they french fried prisoners look is bad...they aren't scary at all....considering how the outside shots were done (If you have seen the film "Sunshine" think of the shots where they are looking at the sun in that room and have to wear sunglasses because of the blinding light) and considering that they obviously didn't have a ton of money,it would have been preferable to just keep the prisoners in shots similar to the way the baddie in "Sunshine" was shot....would have been much more effective.Oh and the ending is just totally asinine.

Anyways,nice idea and some nice FX shots,but damn this movie is just total crap.

Inception aka (WTF??.... But In A Good WTF? Kinda Way)

"Inception" is everything a Nicolas Cage movie nowadays usually isn't,its smartly written,well thought out,well acted throughout,great direction,it doesn't insult your intelligence,actually makes you have to pay attention,and something that you will actually have you thinking about it after it concludes and your leaving the theater...not like with most of the Cages stuff where your just wondering why you just spent another $10 on film by a dude that hasn't made hardly anything worth a fuck since 1999.

Directed by Chris Nolan,the man behind "Memento","Insomnia","The Prestige",and the always awesome "Dark Knight" has really turned it up a notch with his latest film.

"Inception" stars Leonardo "I Really Would Like To Do Something Lighter Next....Like Maybe Hot Tub Time Machine 2: The 90's Strike Back" Dicaprio as a thief of dreams who is hired by a Japanese businessman to get into the dreams of Cillian "I Swear I Don't Have The Rage Virus" Murphy to take advantage of some internal secrets from a competing company.Dicaprio is a flawed dude,much as he was in "Shutter Island" as he is continuously haunted by a dead wife in this one just as he was in that movie. There is a lot going on in this movie,its not going to have you lost,but it is a movie you need to pay attention to."National Treasure" this ain't.If you pay attention you should have no problem following,and you'll be rewarded with a very enjoyable movie.

Everything about this movie is first rate. You knew coming in this was going to be well directed,the FX are fantastic,and every actor is at the top of their game...hell even frickin Juno...who I loathe,actually is good in this,even though she still looks like she's 12.Its a fast paced movie,especially for a movie that's 2 hours and 28 minutes long (it really didn't seem that long).

Is this my favorite movie of the year....no,but I would see this again in a heart beat.Something tells me this is the type of movie that's so well layered that you will pick up something new every time that you watch it. Chris Nolan might be the best director out there today.Again this is the exact opposite of 90% of the Cages recent filmography....you actually get your moneys worth,and you wont feel stupid for seeing it.

Predators aka (Coming Soon....Adrien Brody is......"Commando"!!!)

When I had heard the rumors of a "reboot" of "Predator" I was very skeptical. I thought here we go again,a studio using the "reboot" thing to just use as another name for remake and we would just end up with a rehash of the original film. Once I saw Robert "Yeah that Little Fucker From The Twilight Films Owes Me For Putting His Ass In Shark Boy and Lava Girl" Rodriguez was involved...well lets just say I was kinda curious. Then I saw Adrien "I Didn't Have To Lose An Ounce To Be In "The Pianist"" Brody was involved also,I thought it definitely had potential as he usually doesn't do crap movies (even his flops like "The Jacket" at least aren't total ass crap). Then I saw the previews and just was totally stoked about this fucker.

"Predators" frickin rocks!! There isn't a ton to detail in terms of the script....I mean you have some peeps and some Predators fucking them up....what more do ya need to know?? Your either with it right there or your going out to see the next god awful Gerard Butler chick flick (seriously dude who the fuck is picking your films??).

Rodriguez doesn't do crap,and even though he didn't direct this (Nimrod Antal directed...he did the Larry Fishburn flick "Armoured" and "Vacancy" with Kate "MMMMMM" Beckinsale) he did write the story and it fits in perfectly with the original and washes away all the disgusting residue left from that horrid nightmare known as "AVP:Requiem"...blahhh...

Adrien Brody does a nice job with his role,he plays a hard ass,looking out for himself ,and he's stuck with several other characters that if in the hands of a non descript writer would have come across as very one dimensional,but thanks to some nice touches,plus having some actors that can flesh them out some,they all come across as something more than that,and that helps the film....hell even Topher "I'm Not Tobey Maguire Dammit!!" Grace isn't annoying in this,and does a nice job with his part.

Look this film isn't for everyone,but if you love action movies,and or love the original,or you want to see a Sci Fi flick that wasn't made with your 9 year old brother in mind (Its not in 3D!! Thank God!!) go check it out...its definitely worth it!!!

Salvage aka (What That Piece of Sh@t AVP:R Should Have Been Like)

I know I might rave a bit too much about how much better British horror has been recently when compared to its counterparts here in the States,but "Salvage" just reinforces my feelings.

"Salvage" is about a small neighborhood caul de sac in some non descript area of England that wakes up one morning with the military shutting down the area as there has been a shipping container that washed ashore nearby that whatever was in it got out and its some bad shit. The military wont say what it is,and most of them dont seem to really know what it is anyways. There is a distinct edge to all that is going on as the people start to begin thinking its a terrorist attack,then the shit hits the proverbial fan as what was in the container starts wrecking shop.This thing doesnt discreminate in its killing either (and neither do the soldiers) as civillians and soldiers alike are getting bruttally killed whatever the fuck this thing is.

This film is edge of your seat nuts. Its intense and once it gets going it doesnt stop. The film was a low budget flick but much like the film "Mulberry St" (which it sometimes reminded me of) from a few years ago,they do a lot with a little. The creature is always pretty much out of focus (and to be honest thats a good thing as once you actually see the ting it comes across as the Frankenstien monster from Edisons version of Frankstein from 1910*) and this adds to the intensity as leaving things to the imagination just adds to the intensity.The way it was shot (another thing that reminded me of "Mulberry St") is very in your face...as it was obviously shot with hand held cameras which add to the "you are there" feel to it.

Honestly if AVP:R had been something like this,I would probably be wishing for AVP:R 2 Electric Boogaloo....this is everything that that croc of horse shit should have been like...plus you can actually see what the fuck is going on in this fucker.

If you get a chance definitely check out Salvage.

* Ok this might be going a little deep in terms of comparisons,but seriously the fucker does kinda look like the monster in that film...trust the it doesnt look this silly in the dark....

Grown Ups aka (How To Make Chris Rock Unfunny)

When I saw the poster for "Grown Ups" the first time and saw the cast....I thought,Hot Damn!! That's got potential to be a ridiculously funny flick. Well....unfortunately this is one under performing comedy.Don't get me wrong,there are some laughs to be had,and it is a diverting enough flick,but with the people involved this should have been a much funnier film.

I wont go all into details about the plot (Sandler has two types of films nowadays...semi comedic/kinda serious..think "Funny People and stupid funny...think "Don't Mess With the Zohan")...this is along the lines of "Zohan",but as odd as it is to say,its not as funny as that film.

Sandler seems to be coasting through this film,Kevin James....look dude I like ya enough you seem like a nice enough guy and I have seen you funny in the past and you have a few moments here....but seriously dude...have you ever heard of range??? I mean I get it,you've made a living off of being the lovable schlep.."Hey I'm Fat" routine,seriously dude, get out of the comfort zone a lil bit occasionally (like how about playing a one eyed pedophile in some flick or something)...now I will say Rob Schneider and David Spade have some funny stuff and seem to be enjoying having big parts in a potential blockbuster...they pull their weight....

But the thing that gets me is...Chris Rock is one of..if not the funniest man on the fricking planet,and they basically cut his nuts off...not literally,but damn,how the fuck do you have Rock be such a mundane character....I mean seriously they could have had Tim Meadows play his character...He has one really fun line and that's towards the end of the film...and that's it...just really disappointing....

So to sum it up,if your the audience who thought Paul Blart was a film of comedic genius you'll probably love this movie,for me,it was an OK time waster,if I had to offer a suggestion,I'd say wait till either dvd or cable....of course this is from the guy who thinks "Zoolander" is comic gold,so keep that in mind.

The Disappeared aka (Kinda Like An M Knight Flick....Back When His Movies Weren't Sh*t)

So I'd been hearing good things about the British import The Disappeared,that was recently picked up by IFC Films (Who by the way for the past year should be applauded for all the independent horror that they have been responsible for bringing to the home viewing market...they bring in a lot of good shit).Anyways,they've done it again,this is a very good flick.

The Disappeared is about a British teen who has been distraught since his little brother went disappearing while he was supposed to watch him,but instead was rocking out with his cock out with his buds,while his little bro went to the park and ran into some serious stranger danger....anyways its months later and the teen is just out of the hospital after counseling to try and get over the disappearance.

After he gets home and starts hanging with his rough neck dad,he starts seeing and hearing things,and believes his brother has come back. It doesn't take long to realize that lil dude is a ghost and he's either trying to tell big bro "Fuck You ya prick for not watching me!!" and haunting his ass,or he's trying to tell him something about what happened.And his little brother isn't the only ghost/supernatural thing going on in this film.

Eventually as the pieces start to come together,with some of it being predictable,but never boring,this little pic turns into an engrossing and well acted/directed film.The use of light in this is really well done,as when there is a ghostly presence,the lighting alters slightly....I mentioned M Knight in the title,but actually it somewhat reminded me of something along the lines of "Stir of Echos" in style with a more supernatural presence...if that makes sense.Plus you get to see Malfoy from the Harry Potter flicks,not play an A Hole for a change as he plays the teens best bud.And I gotta say he's set for life for roles as SS soldiers/officers for the rest of his career,so dude start looking for WW II flicks!!! He just has that look....

Anyways,I cant say enough about this flick,I really enjoyed the hell out of it.Its one of the better independent horror flicks that I've seen this year....hell one of the best horror films of this year....if you get a chance to see it...do so!!

Tenure aka (Damn That Gretchen Mol Is Ridiculously Cute!!)

I like the Wilson brothers. I just like that they seem to always be just kinda playing their selves to a certain degree and just seem to be natural in all their parts,and are funny in separate kind of ways. Owen,seems to be the cut up and more of the clown,while Luke is more of the usual straight man....So I usually enjoy their flicks...except for fricking "Drillbit Taylor" my God what a piece of awful horrible shit that was....anyhow,I was kind of looking forward to watching "Tenure",besides it had David Koechner who I think is hysterical in always smaller roles,but always quirky and funny stuff...and also it has Gretchen Mol who is the most underused and under appreciated actresses in Hollywood and it doesn't hurt that she is sooooooo cute!! Besides she has no problem getting naked at all...

Anyhow,"Tenure" is a comedy with Luke playing an English professor at a small college who enjoys his job and is just getting by,he's not really motivated to do too much other than teach,mainly because he is the only professor on campus that's teaching his classes,he's just counting down the days till he gets tenure and he'll be set,and it would be gravy all the way....that's when Her Hotness (Mol) shows up as a fellow professor also trying to get tenure in the same field.And so Luke's slacker ass professor and his buddy an anthropology professor (who was just told he wont be getting tenure) played by Koechner,attempt to sabotage Her Hotness at every turn...well Koechner's character is the main one doing all the sabotaging...

"Tenure" was funny,it reminded me kind of like a Mike Judge comedy in its tone (think "Extract",more than "Office Space").Its not continuous belly laugh stuff,but it does have its moments where it had me chuckling.

I can understand why it wasn't released at the theaters,as its not a very commercial type comedy,not necessarily a dark comedy,but kind of a droll comedy.Its a nice diversion on a hot summer Sunday afternoon when you have had enough of the heat and just want to veg out,and you want to have a lil laugh from something that you haven't seen before.Its not something I'd watch a hundred times,but its an ok time waster.The only really disappointing thing was Her Hotness didn't get naked....

*** Speaking of the Wilson's,I just saw on IMDB that they are going to do "Zoolander 2"!! My wife will be sooooo stoked!! Hehehe....Comic Frickin Gold From The Gods!!!

Hush aka (I'm Following This Truck Who's Owner Has Kidnapped My Whore Ass Girlfriend)

I don't know what it is about the British horror scene nowadays, but (at least in my eyes) for the most part it is soooo much better than the mostly generic crap that is being made here in the states. Seriously while the studios have been churning out crap PG 13 horror bullshit,crap ass remakes,and the bazillionth version of so and so strangers waking up in some unknown location and not knowing how they got there torture porn bullshit.

I mean something like this that could and should have been same old same old story wise such as "Hush" turns out to be something that even though I've seen similar stuff,still felt fresh and a bit different.

Hush is about a couple in England travelling one night while the loser boyfriend is doing his job of replacing posters at all the rest stops on the interstate. They are a bickering kinda miserable couple that seems to be teetering on the verge of a meltdown....especially after it comes to light (at least to the audience,not dip shit) that the girlfriend did the beast with two backs with a friend of theirs the night before....anyways,it ain't looking to good for the dude and his bitch ass ho in terms of their likelyhood of staying together after this little jaunt through the English countryside.

Well,things start a bit slow,with all the bitching while driving,until it comes to the realization of Sir Dip shit that he was just passed by a truck with a woman in her underwear locked in the back screaming bloody murder.Of course he and his girlfriend get up shits creek without a paddle as they try to find out what happens,and then the whore gets kidnapped...

This is when the fun starts,"Hush" is equal parts "Breakdown" and "The Vanishing" but what I liked,with the film being low budget,unlike something like "Breakdown" where you knew damn well,no matter how perilous the situation was for Kurt "I've Had Sex With Goldie Hahn...A Lot!!" Russell,you knew at the end he would be ok....same with "The Vanishing....even though Kiefer "Dammit!!" Sutherland was in a box underground you kinda knew he wasn't going to die...with this....you just don't get that feeling.

And even though I kiddingly called the dude dip shit,I actually thought the male lead,does a very nice job being the sympathetic hero,as he tries relentlessly no matter what to track down his whore ass girlfriend (even after he finds out about her whoring,which is done pretty great too!!). The other thing was,we don't ever really see the killers face,which I liked,we never learn of his motives,he's a faceless evil entity...and that just added to the suspense....

"Hush" is out on video,if you can get it,do so,its a thoroughly entertaining little thriller.

The A Team aka (...That Was Great!! Cant Wait For The Manimal Remake!!!)

OK,so I'm ridiculously negative towards all of these remakes that are just continuously coming out of Hollywood nowadays (seriously the fact that they are remaking "Red Dawn"...a Cold War relic is just asinine)....anyways,the remakes that I'm against are remakes of all of these 80's films...classics or not....and just regurgitating the same look and style that was done in the one good remake that they did (ahem I'm looking at you Platinum Dunes!!) with every single film your doing....that's just tiresome...and its old....but when you take something that was a cheesy (Hey I LOVED the A Team,but it wasn't really a "Good" show...well from the view of an adult...as a 12 year old it kicked ass),but fun show from the 80's,and making it into something bigger and better,while maintaining the fun of the original...well slap my crazy ass Aunt Sally...mission fucking accomplished!! This film is GREAT!!

Look,I'm not going all into the story....if you have ever heard of "The A Team" you know the gist of it. And the film follows this premise beautifully.It starts with Liam "Action Jackson" Neeson forming the A Team with Face aka Bradley "Thank God For The Hangover" Cooper, B.A. aka Quinton " What The Hells So Great About MMA? Everytime I See It Its Just Some Dudes Rolling On The Ground" Jackson (Who definitely is fun doing the Mr. T thing...nice job!!),and Murdock aka the dude from "District 9"...no not the alien...anyways it starts there,and follows through with them being framed and then trying to get revenge and clear their name.

This film has the typical action scenes and stuff, but Joe "Dude,Smoking Aces Wasnt Too Hot...But Damn What The Hell Did You Do To Piven?" Carnahan,knows that the action is ridiculous,and has fun with it...and its not cheesy action....this reminded me of the type of action comedy's that used to come out in the 80's and early 90's. Its loud,funny (The CIA agents led by Patrick "The Owl Dude From Watchmen" Wilson are hilarious as a bunch of agents who might as well be frat guys...good stuff).

I cannot say it enough,this is the perfect summer type film,its just a good time.Don't go in expecting anything overly dramatic,just go in and expect some outstanding brain candy!! My only hope is that this film does well enough to have a sequel!!

Vamp aka (Yeah I Know Its An Old 1986 Flick,But Hell I Havent Watched Much Lately)

So,I don't know how many people out there remember this little flick. But man,back in 1986,the lil 15 year old version of me enjoyed the hell out of this film. "Vamp" was a Grace "Dude Looks Like A Lady...Oh Shit She Is A Lady" Jones back in the mid 80's when she was appearing in a lot of films. She had appeared with Ahnold in that awful second Conan film (the only good thing about that film was a young Olivia "Kevin Arnold's Older Hot Sis" D'abo's nubile self being in it),and she had also been in the last Roger "I Never Really Was A Good Bond,But I Still Beat The Hell Out Of Timothy Dalton" Moore Bond film (the only good thing about that was the Duran Duran song and Christopher "Motherfucking The Man" Walken). I believe this might have been her swan song,as I don't recall her in much after this.

"Vamp" actually is a decent and enjoyable little film...still. Yeah its got a very 80's cheese fest feel to it...but it's got vampire strippers and a very tongue in cheek feel to it that helps it hold up.

The film is about these two guys who are trying to join a frat and one of their initiation duties is to obtain a stripper for a frat party. Sounds simple enough....but see back in 1986, there wasn't any internet to order your strippers from * side note-not that I've ever done that...uhm nor would I ever consider it,LOVE YA HUUN!!...anyways,they decide to head into the city borrowing the car of the one and only Long Duck Dong (Sixteen Candles) who is a loser rich kid with no friends who gets to tag along.

The guys, end up in the wrong part of town,piss off a very 80's type inner city gang (They look like something out of a Pat Benetar video) along the way and end up at the After Dark Club.

Now I will say this,the stripping in this isn't as hot as I remember it being,back when I used to watch this at 15,of course being 15,I was just happy to see semi clad chicks grinding across the floors , but the stripping is very lackluster for the most part , I mean Grace " I Swear She Has A Penis" Jones is no Salma Hayek....anyhow, the club naturally is full of stripper vampires with Jones being the ancient one,that's the head of them all. So these dudes are up shits creek big time.

Is this movie a classic? No , but its got some funny stuff that still holds up,never takes itself too serious,and for a mid 80's horror/comedy that wasn't a slasher,it holds up for the most part. Now "From Dusk Till Dawn" its not,but if your looking for a decent time waster...you could do a lot worse,besides its got a 22 yr old Dee Dee "Yeah I Know My Sister is Fricking Michelle" Phifer,who is just so frickin adorable in this,you just want to grab her and do things to her that might be illegal in about 47 states. She was SOOO cute back in the day....So on that note....if "Vamp" comes up on a movie channel,or you come across it on Netflix and have a coupon or something,and want to see something off the beaten path,give it a shot.

Dying Breed aka (Australia...The Otherside of the Worlds Version of West Va)

So,I know I've been doing a lot of this years After Dark Horrorfest films,which all for the most part have been pretty damn good. Well there actually are a few films from last years version of this series,that for one reason or another I never got around to watching."Dying Breed" being one of them. My bad for taking so long to get around to it,this is a pretty good flick!!

I don't know what it is with Australia and France. You see,based on both of those country's recent horror films are pretty fucked up (especially the French...those fuckers are some seriously fucked up dudes). Australia has kind of been taking a similar path,just not as sadistic as those French fuckers.It seems like since 2005's "Wolf Creek" they have taken the road trip movie where teens get lost on a trip and end up with cannibals in West Virginia,and substitute the Outback for West Virginia.The kicker is....at least for me,unlike a majority of the French sadistic crap,and even the American films they are patterned after,these Australian films are very watchable.

"Dying Breed" is one of these films. The story is that a young Irish girl who with her boyfriend is out to try and finish a project that her sister started eight years before on the island of Tasmania (off the coast of Australia). A project that ended up costing the sister her life. the project is trying to find a supposedly long extinct tiger?? (it actually looks like a frickin dog,but hey I'm not a goddamn zoologist) Anyways they head out to Tasmania to try and find this animal,with the assistance of the boyfriends lifelong friend,played with total prick overload glee by Nathan Phillips who was the male lead in "Wolf Creek" also....anyways he brings his girlfriend and off to go find there tiger/dog they go.

What I like about this film is that yes,its a storyline that's been done a 100 thousand times,but what helps here is the back story that they use for it. Australia was a penal colony for England until 1868,and Tasmania was where the most file criminals were kept.The most file of these (and famous) was one Alexander Pearce who was known as the Pie Man...he liked to eat people stuffed into little pot pie like things....anyways he escaped the prison in the 1820's and lived out in the wilds of Tasmania. And there are descendants of his living in those wilds.Guess what area the tiger/dog hunters are going to.

So,like I said,yeah,nothing new,in the basic plot,but the way it is told,feels fresh,plus with the true life Pie Man setup,it just feels different.Also,for the most part the main characters are believable and well acted....even though Phillips character is such a total ass its a wonder he could have a life long friend.But the way things are setup and done,with some nice character development,it definitely makes you at least give a lil shit about these people who are trying to avoid being the mystery meat at the dinner table.

So,if you like movies,like the first "Wrong Turn","Hills Have Eyes",all the "Texas Chainsaw" flicks,give this one a shot,it gives this well worn genre a nice bit of fresh air.

Parasomnia aka (A Dudes Dream Girl!!)

Let me start off by saying that this is a good film.Its not great in any sense of the word,but the people who crafted this film have actually put a lot of heart into it,and I truly can appreciate the effort.

"Parasomnia" is the baby of William Malone,he directed the remake of "House on Haunted Hill" with Ali "She Tastes Great With Whipped Cream" Larter and Taye "What The Hell Happened To My Film Career?" Diggs. Which is actually a pretty decent film. He also directed Fear.Com which wasnt a pretty decent film....in fact it is utterly unwatchable....avoid it at all cost.That film I guess kind of killed Mr. Malone's major theatrical opportunities,as he really hasn't had anything since other than some Masters of Horror stuff.

This film should get him back in the good graces of the studios....if not the major ones....at least one of the smaller ones that occasionally release theatrical films...he has done a really nice job here.Mr. Malone evidently paid for this whole film to be made and its obvious that this is his baby. He has put a lot into this film.

"Parasomnia" is about a girl who has a real rare form of narcolepsy,called parasomnia , in which the person is asleep most of the time while awakening sporadically and being awake for an inestimable amount of time. Anyways,the story deals with this girl being in an asylum naturally (kinda hard to have a job and shit,when ya cant stay awake),well she unfortunately is the next room neighbor of a serial killer who is a hypnotist who kills people by hypnotizing them and making them do his bidding.Usually killing themselves or other people.He of course is kept under a hood and chained to the walls.And is pretty creepy looking while under the hood. He has somehow found a way to get inside sleeping beauty's head while she sleeps,giving her some seriously fucked up dreams,very Hellraiserish/Silent Hill creepy style dreams that are some of the very stylish efforts that Mr. Malone gives to this film to give it some flava.

Now the main dude in this film is weak sauce....seriously,he seems like a nice dude,but hes annoying as hell because he's just such a putz.This guy who works in a record store (think Cusacks "High Fidelity") is at the asylum visiting a buddy of his who is in rehab,and stumbles upon home girl getting her sleep on.He has a deja vu kind of moment once he finds out what her deal is (evidently he had met her when they were both little kids and she had had one of her falling asleep moments while he was around her) anyways he FALLS hard for her (actually he might be on to something...a hot girl who is barely awake...hmmm)...well he finds out that the docs are transferring her to another facility to be put through experiments....yeah not good....so he kidnaps her. This of course not only gets the police on his trail,but the serial killer is none too happy either and escapes to come after them also.

As I said this is a good film,if the hero character wasn't such a putz....it might have been top notch.Malone adds a lot of style and atmosphere to this one.Its like a Dario Argento style with modernistic flashes of Silent Hill and also many of evidently I guess Malone's own "Haunted Hill" type moments all thrown together...you can definitely see the "Haunted Hill" influence on it,which helps a lot.

"Parasomnia" has a very off kilter feel too it,especially the last half of the film,which even though its in the real world takes on a very dream like feel to it.Its actually the dream like feel of this film that really helps it,if not for the stylistic choices that Malone uses,this probably would not have been nearly as enjoyable.This film has a much bigger feel to it than the budget would probably lead you to believe.If you can get your hands on this film give it a shot,its a very good rental...and I'll take a film in which the maker has put a lot into it,rather than some half hearted DTV sequel to some random series that wasn't good to begin with,in which the producers are just trying to make a quick buck.

Lake Mungo aka (Dead Chicks With Lots of Skeletons)

Nice job After Dark Films!! This is the 5th Horrorfest film I have watched from this years batch and I have to go on record and say this is easily the best group of films to come out of this little extravaganza that they are doing yearly (even though I don't know how well they are doing at the theaters,considering that they are showing them at fewer and fewer locations)....but anyways...nice job!!

Lake Mungo is yet another faux documentary. Yet unlike the others that are supposed "found films" this one is done as an actual documentary supposedly filmed over the course of years.

Its about a family trying to cope with the loss of their 16 year old daughter who had drowned in 2005,but apparently is haunting the family over the course of the documentary.I wont go too much into detail on this,but will say,its almost kinda like if Twin Peaks original plot of the supposed good girl homecoming queen dying and having the skeletons coming out of the closet as the film goes along...except here you don't get creepy fucking dwarfs and FBI agents in love with some fricking pie.

If this movie sounds interesting,be prepared and go into it with the understanding that it is a documentary. So expect it to play out as a documentary.So expect a slow burn. If you do,it will get ya with some pretty creepy and memorable moments.This thing was very well done.

So again I have to applaud After Dark,they really gave a good effort on this years selections,and I like the fact that each one has been a different vein of horror.Nice job guys. They have an After Dark Originals series coming out in the fall....I don't know if it will be at the theaters first or straight to dvd,but if it is at the theaters....come on guys,lets get this into theaters that will not be mainly in BFE cities like Wichita or fucking Iowa City(not that theres anything wrong with Witchita or Iowa City)....

The Chocolate War aka (Holy Shit Its Got Wyatt From Weird Science In It...What The Hell Happened To That Dude??)

So if you grew up in the eighties,you probably remember a novel by the name of "The Chocolate War" that was like (at least in my schools) one of the most popular novels for teens at that time. I never read it (which wont shock my wife,she thinks the extent to my reading is magazines anyways). I had always meant to read it back then but my busy social life kept me from doing so (if my wife reads that...shes probably yelling BULLSHIT!!). I had heard it was a really good read,never knew that there was an actual film based on it.

Well,I was going through the movie channels last night,and came across this on The Movie Channel (love that channel). Its a 1988 flick,and its actually very well done. Plus its the only other movie I've ever seen that has Wyatt from "Weird Science" in it.Seriously....I know Anthony Micheal Hall kinda disappeared for awhile,and Robert Downey Jr,was busy as hell getting fucked up.But what the hell happened to this dude??*

If you were to take the feeling of "Dead Poets Society" and throw in the teen angst of an 80's John Hughes film minus the really funny comedy,and add a really good soundtrack with Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush among the artist...you get "The Chocolate War"

Its the first movie directed by Keith Gordon,who was the quintessential dorky dude/son in most of the early 80's films,including,"Dress to Kill,"Christine,and so on....he was in a lot of shit....I'm surprised he actually hasn't done more theatrical films after watching this (it appears he has settled into directing tv,which is cool),but I was really impressed with his direction in this film.

The story concerns a catholic high school with a domineering Father running things with an iron fist played by that perennial 80's asshole John "I Should Have Had Hart Bochners Asshole Role In Die Hard" Glover....this dude was great at playing a prick in EVERY movie.He does so again in this one. Anyways the school is terrorized by the secret student group called the Vigils. This group is led by the dude that plays the science dork in CSI (the original,not one of the 30 spin offs) and Adam Baldwin (who has been in everything,and by the way was like 27 years old when he made this...the dude was the bodyguard in frickin "My Bodyguard" back in 1980). Oh the lil fucker who was Percy in "The Green Mile" is also a Vigil,and he isn't as much as a creep/asshole as usual....

Anyways Glover is running his annual chocolate sale,in which each student is to sell 50 boxes of chocolates. This is evidently a big frickin deal. The Vigils have each underclassmen have to do some assignment/prank when called upon.Dork ass CSI guy assigns Wyatt from "Weird Science" to not sell chocolates for 10 days.This causes a lot of problems with Herr Glover,until he finds out its a prank and that after the 10th day Wyatt from "Weird Science" is supposed to accept selling chocolates.Well after the 10th day,Wyatt still refuses.And Herr Glover pressures the Vigils to try to pressure Wyatt from "Weird Science" to sell those fucking chocolates.

This is a very good movie,and too be honest,doesn't feel dated at all.The soundtrack is great,and the film feels like the independent type flicks that are made nowadays that get raves and usually star Zoey "Don't Be A Mopey Gus" Deschannel and/or the kid from "Third Rock"....Its a very good film....its narrative is not always straight forward,but its a very well done movie.Glad I caught it last night.If you get a chance,check it out.

* Come to find out Wyatt....uhm I mean Ilan Mitchell Smith quit acting in 1991 and is now a History professor at Texas A and M. Nice job dude!!!

Survival of the Dead aka (Ok George Enough With The Zombie Crap...How About Monkeyshines 2?)

So I've heard a lot of crap about this one. Seems like when it was first hitting the film festival route people were all about it,claiming it was phenomenal...hell it premiered at Cannes last year and Romero got a standing ovation (of course the French also love them some Jerry Lewis....so..)...anyways as the months passed on it seemed to get more and more negative pub....I was just surprised that a film that started as a supposedly critical darling could end up with a 35% on Rottentomatos.

Well after watching it on HD MovieNet on which the film had its "premier" last night,I can completely understand why.Simply put,its a total piece of crap.

Seriously,I know Romero is old,and has been a revered director for eons....but really,talk about hitting a rut....this is his 3rd "Dead" movie in 6 years,and his sixth overall.....I think its time to either retire,or move on to something else.

Anyways,the movie is about the national guard troops who actually made an appearance in "Diary of the Dead" (Romero's previous Dead flick that I liked).Anyways the movie follows these soldiers who have been rummaging through the countryside,taking what they can get,and just trying to survive,when they stumble upon an armoured car with over a million dollars in it.So naturally,they say screw the jeep,let ride in the truck with the mad cash,and away they go.Anyways no sooner than have they gotten down the road when they discover an Internet message from this old crusty Irish dude calling himself Captain Courageous who is telling anyone and everyone to come to Palm Isle to be safe.Yeah that always goes well in these types of movies....

Well Captain Courageous turns to be this cranky foul mouthed Irish dude (is there any other type?) name O Flynn who with his posse had been kicked off Palm Island by his mortal enemy,another Irish clan led by Muldoon (another complete Irish asshole)....why the fuck are there all these Irish fuckers on an island off Delaware? Seriously?? There is like a fuck load of them (and cowboys??) on this island....Romero...WTF??!!

Anyways,the soldiers go to the island and take O'Flynn with them.The big debate between O'Flynn and Muldoon is that O'Flynn wants to kill the zombies,while Muldoon wants to train them to eat something other than Irish ass...so you put that together with the Hatfield and Mckoy shenanigans and throw in some zombies...and thats basically it.

Now,to be fair to it,the cinematography is actually some of the best I've seen in a Romero film in some time,its fall like setting is filmed great,and there is some atmosphere at times on the island thanks to the cinematography.The problem is the writing is bad,and at times Romero throws in random almost cartoon moments.And the FX....is pretty godawful.CGI and zombie movies don't go well together.The cgi decapitations (theres one scene with like 8 zombie heads on sticks that's just silly),that and theres a baaaaad scene where a soldier uses a fire hydrant to cause a zombies head to explode....just awful.I know people will say cgi is cheaper....but I have seen enough 70's and 80's horror flicks that were low budget (including Romeros) to know that you can have realistically done practical effects....seriously if Romero is going to continue to do these flicks (which I hope he doesn't)....for god sake go practical with the shit!!!

Just awful.....

The Losers aka (Ehhh...Not Bad ....For A TV Show)

FYI....if your making a movie,based on some comic boo...oh excuse graphic novel...whatever...fuck it...a comic book that the general public doesn't have a clue about,but you have high hopes of making it a franchise....even though the possible franchise is very reminiscent of a certain 80's action/comedy TV series that has been remade into a theatrical film that just so happens to be coming out in...oh about a month or two. How about making the film a stand alone film,instead of having it feel at the end like a goddamn TV series.

Seriously, "The Losers" is a decent little TV pilot for a TNT/FX series. It has a few nice action scenes and is pretty at times to look at (especially one scene involving a bullet shattered window..very nice shot!!),but really at the end of the it,your just sitting there going...."so when is the next episode??"

"The Losers" stars Jeffrey "Papa Winchester" Dean Morgan,Chris "Really Dude Enough With The Comic Book Characters" Evans,Columbus "My Wife Loved You In Stomp The Yard" Short,and Zoe "She Really Made Maxims Top 5 Hottest?? Nobody Really Knows Who The Hell She Is....I Thought She Was Jada Pinkett In The Previews" Seldana.Oh and that dude Idris Elba who is in that damn black Christmas movie that Starz shows ALL THE TIME (in months like...July)...they play a gang of misfits who were a special ops unit that is framed and presumed dead....and seek to clear their name and get revenge...stop me if you've heard that before...

So yeah....its the frickin A Team basically,with Chris"Dude How About Something That Wasn't Based On Something I Stopped Buying When I Was 12 For A Change" Evans...basically playing the same character Chris Evans always plays...which is ok here as its the Face character from the A Team,except a lot goofier....oh and Papa Winchester is basically the Hannibal character...and so on,and so on....so basically this is the B Team...heck maybe the B- Team...

The look of the film as stated is nice,and some action scenes are really nice....the best part of the movie is Jason "With The Ever Greater Receding Hair Line" Patric who plays the villain behind all of the villainy,and is actually pretty funny...in that "he's playing the role as such an odd dude,that he's gotta be playing it up for laughs" kinda role.He is pretty funny in this flick.

Anyways,if your a huge "A Team" fan and cant wait to see the film,and have seen all the tv episodes on TV Land,then you'll probably enjoy this one. I would definitely though say,to wait and see it on dvd or cable,don't waste $10 on a ticket to see this at the theaters.

The New Daughter aka (What The Hell Was Wrong With The Old One??)

I like Kevin Costner...he's a capable actor who is very good at playing the normal,everyman....when he tries to get out of that normal,everyman kind of role and tries something different....like say oh,maybe having a British accent and shooting arrows,like he did in "Robin Hood Prince of Thieves" or playing a roguish futuristic dude looking for water in the suckage that was "Waterworld"....well he kinda struggles,and the movies struggle along with him.

Yet when he gets a role that suits his style (lets face it he doesn't have a ton of range)...well he and the film usually turn out very well. "The New Daughter" is his newest film,and like "The Descent Part 2" I cant understand why it didn't get a theatrical release here in the states.Is it blockbuster material?? No,but it also is better than a lot of the crap that has been released at the theaters in the last 5 months....especially considering the dearth of horror films that have been released this year...There is no reason why this and "The Descent Part 2" should not have been released sometime in the last 5 months.Costner's film would have been perfect theater fodder for a dreary February weekend.But oh well,I'm not a studio head,so screw it.

"The New Daughter" stars the Costner as a newly divorced father who has gotten custody of his two kids.His tweener pain in the ass daughter...seriously what a miserable little girl,shes all screwed up with hormones and other crap that make her one whiny lil bitch....she's played by the little Spanish girl that starred in "Pans Labyrinth" a few years back....she does a very good job,being a whiny pain in the ass....if I'd been the Costner I would have sent her ass back to her Moms...jeez...anyways he also has a younger son that is the good kid....

So the Costner and his brood move to a remote countryside house in South Carolina,and no sooner do they get there than strange shit starts to occur,and I'm not talking about the Costner's daughter's first menstrual cycle...his kids find an odd hill in the backyard,that might or might not be an ancient burial ground...and the Costner's daughter starts being even more of a pain in the ass,and starts acting even stranger than normal 13 year old girls,by making her hobby,not anything normal,like listening to Jonas Brothers albums and having sexual fantasies about that gay looking shit from those "Twilight" flicks....nope she starts just hanging out on the hill and for some reason getting all dirty,like she was practicing for Friday Night Mud Fights down at Leroy's Wings and Things....and she starts to act very off,and having odd bumps on her back.

Oh and there is definitely something in that hill,and it isn't friendly.

This is a decent little flick.It has a very Spanish horror feel to it (non Rec movies kinda Spanish horror)....think Devils Backbone,The Orphanage,and stuff like that...this of course can be contributed to having been done by a Spanish director Louis A. Berdejo who wrote the American remake of "Rec" aka "Quarantine"....for a first time director,he does a very good job with the slow burn,and also he has made a very atmospheric little film.

The Costner and the rest of the cast all do a very good job....this film reminded me of M Knight's film "Signs" (in a good way)...If your up for a decent deliberately slow paced horror film,with some good atmosphere...and/or you like when the Costner is in a good film,check this one out.

The Descent Part 2 aka (Stuck In A Dark,Wet,Filthy,Smelly Place...Kinda Like Having Sex With Paris Hilton)

I have no clue why the heck this one didn't get a theatrical release. Seriously,this one is a lot better than the bullshit getting released (horror wise at least),and yet it quietly snuck onto the dvd/Blu Ray shelves just last week with little fan fare....and I think that's ridiculous.

The Descent is widely claimed (and deservedly so) as one of the finest horror films of at least the last 20 years. It of course was a British production,and was a big hit overseas,prior to being released here in the states.It didn't make a killing here in the states,but did ok....now I don't know what the sequel did over seas...but I really cant see why the hell this didn't get a better release here in the US.

If you haven't seen the original....you gotta see it....its frickin great!! I wont go into complete detail,but I'll just say its about 5 women including one insanely hot chick name Juno (MOWWW!!!) who go spelunking in the mountains in western Va and end up running into some very nasty pale naked dudes who want to eat em (in a bad way,not the good way).Anyways,it might seem like a simple plot,but its well done,shot extremely well,acted very well,and its a rare horror film that actually has some decent scares,and not just stupid jump scare with loud music that only scare the 14 yr old girls like 90 % of horror films released nowadays are slaves to.Just an excellent film.Plus again....Juno is HAWT!!!

Anyways the sequel follows a few days after the women went missing in the caves...only one of them survives (its not Hotness),and is taken to a hospital....she of course due to the events has blacked out,and doesn't remember much of anything....but evidently because Her Hotness...uhm I mean Juno is the daughter of some big wig senator the local sheriff is bound and determine to get the surviving girl to assist in going down into the caves to look for them....

And that's what happens....its kinda like Aliens in that way,that the girl Sarah becomes this kind of pale naked cannibal killing machine.....she goes totally bad ass on these fuckers....

What I liked about this,is that it felt like a continuation of the first one,which isn't always a guarantee with sequels,especially with a different director taking over....but this one does,and it doesn't do what a lot of sequels do and just bam,have people getting attacked by the monsters within the first 10 minutes....it builds gradually towards the attacks,much like the original did...that was a good thing,most sequels are usually dumbed down and loud and more violent...this is definitely more violent,but I didn't feel that they cheated in anyway with this film.It is truly a worthwhile sequel.

So,if you haven't seen the original Descent,check that out and then proceed directly to this one...hell if you haven't seen the original in awhile,make it a double feature,and enjoy two fine horror films (that's not always a guarantee nowadays!!)