Retro Ramblings- 1981 Mini Flickathon

I have a butt load of dvd's,gotta admit,I love collecting the fuckers,and if theres flicks that I dont have and I can record,well then fuck it,count me in,so needless to say I have a lot of crap I could probably live without,but oh well.Anyways every once in a while a buddy and I will get the gumption up to have a movie marathon or if its a week night a mini moviethon (yeah I know we're losers).

Well Friday night felt like having one of these endeavors....yeah the loser meter went off the charts on that one right there didnt it...Friday night instead of rockin out with my ciock out somewhere,I was holed up at the casa watching some dumb ass flicks...Oh well I'll just get to the reason I wanted to write this up and stop depressing myself by discussing my rather dull existence in life in general .....(honey wheres the shotgun??Sigh)...

Ok where was I,oh yeah,so anyways I had a little flickathon Friday night,usually when I do this I have a little bit of a theme to it.This time it was 1980's slasher flicks...and strangely they were all from the year 1981...so what do ya know,I actually have a little thing for my dumb ass blog that no one reads.So here we go!! Whoo Fuckin Hoo!

Ok so 1981,The year Ronald Reagan became President,the Iran Hostages were released,The Pope is shot,AIDS first pops up,IBM creates their first PC,MTV is launched,Raiders of the Lost Ark and Stripes are the bomb at the theaters,and 70's bush was still VERY in!! You couldnt find a wax job back then,unless you went to a car wash!!! Oh and you know what else was in back then?? Slasher flicks. Thanks to Halloween and Friday the 13th,slasher films were coming out every week by 1981,good and bad,it didnt matter.And thanks to the rise of the VCR and the fact that slashers were cheap to make they were the perfect thing for the video stores to rent!! They were as prevalent as porn (except for the most part you didnt have to go into a back room to get them).

1981 was probably the year that if there was a slasher flick,you actaully had a chance to maybe see an actually decent flick still.If there was a golden age for slashers 1981 was probably it.So for my little flickathon I picked three that I hadnt seen,but had heard good things about and actually a couple of them over time have been termed "classics" by certain sites.Well after watching them I dont know if I would call them classics....maybe one really good one,one average one,and one big gigantic piece of shit.

The three flicks I watched were,in order, "Madman","Funhouse",and "Happy Birthday to Me".

"Madman" is the low budget indie out of the three.its not bad for what it is,and actually for a basic knock off of "Friday the 13th"it has its moments of originallity."Madman" is about a group of camp counselors on the last night of their teen camp having a bonfire and bringing up the legend of Madman Marz...The dude supposedly kiiled his family with an axe and was ganked by the locals,but his body was never found.And with a tip to Bloody Mary,if you say his name above a whisper Madman will come get your ass.Well of course some little dickweed named Richie decides to call out for Madman and then jackass decides to get lost in the woods.

Let me say,jackass Richie was a complete fuckwad.The dude for the whole film just wanders the woods and every once in a while he sees the Madman,oh and wanders into the killers house,but unfortunately the fucker never gets it...really a bummer.If there was ever a fucker who should have met his maker,this dude should have had a big ass ax upside his skull...damn,really a bummer.

This flick had the most unattractive group of women in a film I think I have ever seen.I mean not one attractive one in the group.One of them looked like Jerry Seinfeld with an afro,one looked like she had down syndrome,and the third was just plain fugly...hey I'm all for being more realistic and not having chicks that look like they all came off a CW show,but this was depressingly bad.

The best thing about this film was one of the counselors was named TP and the fucker actually had a huge ass belt buckle that had TP on it...awesome...the killer,ehh he was a lot more effective when they kept him in the dark,once they showed him,he looked kind of retarded,and not in a good creepy kind of retarded way,just kind of retarded.Would I suggest seeing Madman? Ehh if you catch it on tv,and like Friday the 13th ripoffs that are watchable,sure why not.

Next was "Funhouse" by Tobe "My Career Died After 1986" Hooper.For those who dont know,Tobe gave us Texas Chainsaw Massacre (The one that didnt have extended long shots of Jessica Biels ass in jeans the whole movie),The tv mini series of "Salems Lot" (that fucker scared the shit out of me when I was a wee lil lad) and also did "Poltergeist" which evidently rumor has it Steven Spielberg after Hooper finished went in and touched up to ....maybe make it more commercially friendly??...dont know,but that is believed to have happened...hmm maybe Spielberg blacklisted the dude,and why his career went in the crapper after the mid 80's...oh who am I kidding I have seen his more recent stuff,and for the most part its all suck ass.

But "Funhouse" is actually pretty damn good.Hooper must have gotten the "Poltergeist" job off of this one,because,its really well shot,and has some moments and shots that seemed kind of Spielberg like.The story is basically that four teenagers sneak into a carnival funhouse to stay the night and make out.Unfortunately for them one of the dill weeds,steals money from the carny whos son is a birth defect monster that just really fucked up.They also witness the "monster" kill a palm reader (after she jerked the monster dude off,in a really odd scene)...anyways this one is pretty good,and holds up pretty well.

Now the final flick..."Happy Birthday to Me"...holy shit what a giant piece of crap this is. The thing with this movie is,that it has the feeling that the major studios,realized that the needed to get in on the slasher craze real quick,and made this turkey.Its obvious they spent money on this one.The director was actually very accomplished,he had made the original "Cape Fear" and "Guns of Navarone",they had a cast that at the time was probably the equivalent of nowadays teen horror flicks that star the cast of "Gossip Girl",with Melissa Sue "I was the pain in the ass blind one on Little House on The Prairie" Anderson and Glenn "I Really Needed The Money Since I Never Got to be In Anymore Superman Movies) Ford leading the way.

But damn this crap was awful,Its too long,its just stupid,and it actually has a "Scooby Doo" fucking ending....where a character rips off her face to reveal that its actually a mask...really?? Just fucking ridiculous. I will say this the last ten minutes including the "Scooby Doo" shit is kind of bat shit crazy,so it is fun in a wtf kind of way.But damn this is just dumb.Never need to see this ever again.

Well thats about it,so if anyone says to you "oh I have Happy Birthday To Me on dvd,heard its supposed to be good,wanna watch it?" Just fuckin pimp slap the shit out of them!! If you run into "Funhouse" or even "Madman" on cable one night,give them a shot...they have their moments...especially "Funhouse"

The Goods: Live Hard,Sell Hard aka (Sometimes Even A Tard Is Funny!!)

I saw this a while ago,and figured,shit I havent watched crap in a few days,might as well put this up as a review. This one has some funny bits,but is also stupid as hell,so if you like your comedy to be mature and witty then skip this one,but if you like movies like Will Ferrells stupidest movies ( I mean the really dumb shit....) and stuff like the really retarded Adam Sandler type flicks (think "Dont Mess With The Zohan"),then this might be funny to you.

The gist of the story (which really doesnt matter since its not much of one,and is stupid) is that James "My Daughter In Law Is Diane Lane....SMOKIN" Brolin is an owner of a used car lot,that is struggling to stay open,who bets that he can sell all his cars on the lot over a holiday weekend,or he will sell it to his rival,whos son is Ed Helms (The Toothless Wonder From The Hangover),who is engaged to James " My God Put A Bullet In My Head,I Have To Sleep In The Same Bed As Barbara Streisand...and Did I Mention That My Daughter In Law Is Diane Lane??" Brolins daughter....Anyways Brolin,decides to bring in a crew of stud salesmen led by Jeremy "Hey,John Cusack Call Me!! Please!!!" Piven. Piven and his crew can sell cars like nobody's buisness.Thats it,thats the whole movie.

"The Goods" has its moments,and the story is setup like one of those typical early 80's comedies such as the Kurt "Goldie Hahn is my Squeeze Box and Is Sill Looking Good!!" Russells flick "Used Cars"...it kinda reminds me of that flick...strangely...But there are also plenty of moments that were supposed to be funny that just arent.

I will say this the dude Rob Riggle who had small but memorable parts in "Step Brothers" and "The Hangover" does make me laugh with his role,he plays a sort of Benjamin Button character,he's a ten year old that looks like he's 30...leads to some good laughs...and Helms is funny as the rival,and leader of a local boy band who's claim to fame is that they opened once for O Town...good stuff...oh and Will Ferrell pops up also....so the film has a lil going for it.

Look,I would have been pissed to have seen this at the theaters,its not a "good" film,but for something to watch when theres nothing going on,if you like stupid comedies,then this might be a good time killer.Just remember to leave your brain at the door.

Shutter Island aka (So thats F'in It...Really???)

So,I have been really looking forward to this one for a good long while,I was really disappointed when the studio moved it from its original mid October release date to late February....but fine,whatever,I mean its frickin a Scorsese and Decaprio flick and it looks like its creepy as fuck...its gotta be awesome...right??

Well,let me just say this,"Shutter Island" is a good film,but its not really what its being advertised as...by all previews it was being promoted as a creepfest/psychological thriller and based on all the reports being done by all the horror sites that I frequent,you would assume that this might be along the lines of something like the Shining in terms of being creepy as hell.Well its not really that.

"Shutter Island" is really a basically a psychological thriller,thats really not that much of a thriller...its got all the trappings,but its more simply about an individual sinking into madness.Any element of horror comes pretty much from the foreboding surroundings and after awhile they dont even seem that noticeable as this is much more of a film focused on the individuals than actually having a ton actually happening.

I wont go into too much detail about the film,other than to say that Decaprio is a federal marshall and he and his new partner Mark Ruffalo are on a missing persons case on an island that houses an insane asylum. The missing is one of the asylums patients who appears to have simply vanished from her cell. Now I will say that the case pretty much becomes irrelevant to the rest of the film about 40 minutes into this 2 plus hour film.To say anymore wouldnt be right to say for those who havent seen it.

Now I didnt go into this expecting a balls to the wall scary ass film,but I did go in expecting it to be a bit creepy and have some tense moments,but it really doesnt have that many....like I said its not really even a thriller,but more of a drama,especially as it nears its conclusion.Which is a bit odd,the film begins as a potential creepy thriller and winds up being a drama by its ending.Just a bit of a downer based on what it looked like it was going to be. I really cant blame the film itself,I really blame the studio for that,as they were the ones promoting it as a horror type film,not a drama.I didnt mind the film,but I can will definitely understand some people leaving this one pissed and hating it...

Its a Scorsese film,so of course its very well done,the acting is top notch also,again as you would expect it to be.The film looks phenomenal,and early on with the look and the dread filled music (that to me was very "The Shining" like sounding...not a bad thing) its just more of a type of film,that you'd be more content sitting around on a gray cold Sunday afternoon watching at home,instead of a packed theater,with a bunch of people who were expecting one type of film and you leave feeling a bit empty after getting something different.

Did I like "Shutter Island",yeah I guess so,but I would recommend actually just waiting till the dvd/Blu Ray release in about 4 months,its a good film,just not one that you must see in a theater.If your looking for a real horror film to see next week,check out "The Crazies".Oh and nice job studio PR,because I guarantee this film will kick ass in its box office take this weekend,but after word of mouth,it'll get its ass kicked by fuckin Tracy Morgans dumb ass next week.But at least it'll still have made a butt load of cash this weekend.

Zombieland aka (Welcome Back Woody!! You Hemp Luvin SOB!!)

Now this is a fun flick.I LOVE this frickin movie!! Zombieland came out a few weeks ago on DVD. It stars Woody "Man you got a joint" Harrellson and Micheal Cera..uhm I meant Jesse Eisenberg,seriously these dudes must have the same DNA,they pretty much play the same character...you know the awkward,shy,guy...these two have it down to a damn science. The other two main people in it is Emma "Fuckin Jules from Superbad" Stone and Abigail "Now that Dakota Fanning is too Old I'm Taking All Her Parts" Breslin.

Oh and good for the peeps who are handling young lil Miss Sunshines career for getting her into something totally different from anything she has done...BRAVO...seriously,if it seems like in the last two years if you needed a cute lil precosious girl to say something cute and look adorable in a chick flick,you brought in Miss Sunshine.So nice to see her in a flick with the Undead....nice!!

But this film belongs to good old Woody. All four of the actors are great in their roles,but Woody is the fucking man.Woody play Tallahassee (not his characters real name,he names everyone after wherever they are from) he picks up Micheal Ce...shit Jesse Eisenberg on the road and BAM you have a road trip movie.Thats basically the gist of the story.The two girls are con women...or con woman and con lil girl...who they run into and end up together travelling to their destination of an amusement park,that Lil Miss Sunshine thinks is safe from zombies.Its not.

Thats the story,yeah it doesnt sound like much,but the way its been written and it plays out is great.It was intended by the writers of it to be a tv series and it seems structured sort of like a tv series.The pacing is fast,it never really bogs down.Heck I'd love for this to be a weekly series...its that fun.And actually there are zombies in the flick,but they are just a part of it,this isnt like a lot of zombie flicks where when the zombies arent around your looking at the clock...its just as good with the four characters as it is when the action is going on.Nice job!!

Dont go into it thinking its another "Shaun of the Dead",its not,its an entirely different kinda beast.But its fun in its own way.If you enjoy Zombie films and or road trip comedies,this is a keeper.Heck people who dont like zombie films,might enjoy it.So,if your tired of the same old same old,and want a good laugh (this does have the best extended cameo I have seen in a long time)...this is a pretty good flick to see.

Sorority Row aka (Damn I Wish I Had Been The Casting Director On This Mother F*%#er)

Ok,so when is it ok to do remakes?? Hmmmm thats a touchy subject,nowadays frickin Hollywood is remaking EVERYTHING under the sun...even "Red Dawn" is being remade (for the love of God...why??),nothing is off limits,theres even a nasty rumor that has been going around of someone coming up with the brilliant idea of remaking "Jaws" in 3D with Tracy Morgan in the Richard Dreyfuss role....yeah just shoot me fuckin now!!!

Well to me,if you remake a piece of shit from the past and actually improve on said piece of shit,then thats ok with me. "Sorority Row" is a perfect example of this. This of course is a remake of "House on Sorority Row",a stupid slasher flick from the early 80's that was never considered good in the first place.I've got no problem,if some dude wants to try to make something out of nothing with this old turd.And to me,mission accomplished.

Dont go into this film thinking you'll see something totally new and creative being brought to the cinematic screen...this isnt that film.But if you want to spend 90 minutes being entertained with a familiar story,shot very well,with beautiful babies everywhere....then this is the film for you.

"Sorority Row" is basically "I Know What You Did Last Summer",but with a bigger body count,a killer that at the end,your at least not saying...Where the hell did he come from?,a nice little snarky mean streak added to it (think "Mean Girls" meets "I Know What You Did Last Summer"),and the babe quotient amped up to the max.I'm serious,there is a ridiculous amount of phenomenal looking women in this film...just crazy.

Basically the film is about some sorority girls led by the ridiculously adorable Briana Evigan (saucy!!),who pull a prank with a fellow sister on that said sisters boyfriend for cheating on her,by faking her death....yeah not a good idea.As you can probably guess the prank goes wrong when numb nuts boyfriend freaks and actually impales his girl with tire crank...this of course leads the girls to hide the death,by throwing the body down an abandoned well and swearing never to speak of it to anyone,but a year later they all start to die at the hands of a mysterious killer,so you can guess where its going.So like I said its "I Know What You Did Last Summer",yes it has a paint by the numbers story line...totally not original.But damn it,this film was fun.

The story might be one we've seen a hundred times in setup,but here its actually better executed than 90 % of the time that it has been done before.Again the film has a very nice polish to it,it looks great.The pacing,is fine with it.It knows its not reinventing the wheel,and has fun.Hell its a fun movie.

The thing is,its a slasher movie,slasher movies after 30 some odd years,you know what your getting,there really isnt anywhere new to go with them,it all comes down to that word execution,and this film is very well done.The acting for a slasher film is fine,no academy awards nominees in this group,but fuck it,I'll probably wanna see this fucker again before I ever want to sit through frickin "Up In The Air".It knows what it is and it waves its freak flag in all its glory and says "Fuck You,Motherfucker,I know I'm a remake of a crappy 80's slasher,but damn it,I'm fun!!"

Oh and to the dumb ass goofs who swear that this movie is the biggest piece of shit and act like the original was fucking "Gone With the Wind"...Fuck You!! That movie was awful,it was poorly made,poorly written,and acted by people who were just above cheesy 70's porn....get off your high horse,get pissed like I do when the studios announce a remake of something that is actually a classic such as "Halloween"...dont get your panties in a bunch when bad crap is remade,and is actually watchable (hell I hope they remake "Motel Hell" the original sucks balls).Just cut this movie some breaks and enjoy it.You get an actual R Rated film,not the stupid PG-13 bullshit thats been done in the past with a lot of these remakes (ahem...cough "The Fog")...you get to see gorgeous chicks running around in next to nothing,and for the most part they all can act much better than 70's porn stars,and you can actually sit through the whole damn thing without having to look at your watch....

So to sum it up....am I going to buy this one on dvd?? Fuck Yeah!!! If your a chick,I dont want you to think that this film is a 100% male chauvinist pigs wet dream of a flick...its not (not enough nudity for that)...kidding,seriously,you can do MUCH worse for a movie night/lazy Sunday than this flick.Just go in knowing what to expect and enjoy it for what it is.

The Wolfman aka (At Least Its Better Than If Stephen"CGI ROCKS!!"Sommers Had Done It

Let me start off by saying that based on what I have read for about a year now,about all the reshoots and other changes and delays that this film has had,I didnt know what to expect. I actually kinda thought it might be a total train wreck edited story with some occasionally pretty visuals...so after seeing it,I'll say this.....is it great?? No,but it also is not bad...Its an enjoyable film,that under the hands of a better director than the dude who made the painfully mediocre Jurassic Park III and producers who would have give that said director the freedom he wanted,could have been awesome...but still considering all the fucking around that the studio was rumored to do with this film,it turned out ok.

If you dont know what the Wolfman is about,than boo on you,its a remake of the 1941 Lon Chaney Jr. classic,in which Lawrence "Dont Call Me Larry" Talbot,this time played by Benecio "I Swear I Will Enunciate In This Film" Del Torro (Seriously this guy is like the Thom York of acting,some films you can understand maybe every 5th word that he says...),anyhow,ol Lawrence comes home,because his brother has disappeared,but by the time he gets there he finds out they found his brothers body looking like an ingredient in some Hamburger Helper.

Of course gypsys get blamed for it (like they always do) and Lawrence goes out to see them and find out what happened to his bro,even though his pops played by Anthony " I Really Need To Do A Comedy,Because I'm Tired of Being Cast As a Heavy" Hopkins (who of course is actually "EVIL"),telling him not to go.But Benecio tell Pops "Fuck You Old Man,I'm Rolling...Peace!!" and leaves.

Well he sees the Gypsys and then he gets attacked by something....and after that theres a lot of decapitations and dismembering.Anyways by now you know I'm not going to tell about the whole flick,needless to say,ol Lawrence is a werewolf.

What I will say,is that the film looks fantastic....yes there is some cgi,but there is also a lot of practical fx also...plus I (unlike my wife,who thought the wolfman looked like Teen Wolf) actually liked that they paid homage to the way that the Wolfman looked...He should look like this,it would have been awful to have him just look like every other werewolf from the last 30 years (ya know,kinda look like an actual wolf....zzzz...),The Wolfman look was perfect!! Besides it beats that boy band bullshit that New Moon was pulling...

Yeah there are some issues,Why Emily Blunts character falls for him so easily is never really developed,and there is a part towards the ending where it nearly fell apart with a big Werewolf vs. Werewolf fight that came close to looking like that fight at the end of Blade 2 that looked like it was choreographed by the WWE. Why the producers thought it was a great idea to have this fight like that I'll never know....but thankfully there is more after the fight,plus they were smart not to have the fight drag on too long "unlike Blade 2's retarded mess"....but as I said there are some plusses,again,the film looks great....the acting is solid,I have read complaints about Benecio acting as one morose motherfucker the whole film...soooo..come on he's a tragic figure,he saw his mom get killed when he was younger (and that jacked him up psychologically) and he just lost his bro,and he gets turned into a savage bloodthirsty beast....yeah I be a bit down myself...I thought he did a fine job.Anthony Hopkins....was Anthony Hopkins,but again...thats fine for the role.Emily Blunt,didnt have a ton to do for most of the film,but did what she could,plus shes not hard on the eyes (I like chicks dressing in that victorian gear...Might have to get the wife some of that stuff!!),oh and Hugo Weaving as Inspector Abilene is very good,he was really having fun with his role...nice job!!

I have read recently,that the director Joe Johnston has put back in 17 minutes into the dvd...good,because I would definitely love to see more of the story be added back into it,which is evidently exactly what they've done.I'll definitely be getting the Blu Ray of this one!!!

So the film is not a total cluster fuck,its a hell of a lot better than if a total fucknut like Sommers had gotten it (seriously his Mummy movies suck,as 3rd rate Indiana Jones flicks with bad CGI...and FUCK Van Helsing!!),but damn this movie really had potential to be something really great,but the studio dropped the ball on it....next time get someone like a Del Toro or someone like that and let them do what they need to do...

If you love monster movies,and monster movies that are nice to look at...then I would say definitely check it out,its a decent flick.

Couples Retreat aka (ehhh at Least Its Better Than Four Xmas's)

With the people who are in "Couples Retreat" , I had high hopes back in the fall that this would finally be another fun.,good time Vince Vauhn comedy,its been awhile,after his Xmas sagas "Fred Claus" (dont mind it,its a family Xmas flick) and the god awful "Four Christmas's" (I'm sorry but someone needs to tell Reece Witherspoon that shes not that funny) and the ...ok but should have been better "The Breakup" (That movie was really only fun when Vince was being Vince and the parts with Vince and his buddy Jon Favreau,oh and if someone tries to tell me what a HUGE movie star Jennifer Aniston is after her 6th straight romantic comedy ensemble with a bunch of other actors who are actually funny opens at #1...uhm I going to barf....think about it,her first big hit was "Bruce Almighty"...Thank you Mr. Carey...the next was a few years later with "The Breakup"...again only really funny when Vince is in it,first Vince film since Wedding Crashers,it was a guaranteed hit,SOMEONE needed to play the girlfriend...frickin Marley and Me...thank you Mr. Golden Retriever and best seeling book, and "He's Just Not Into You"...a film with like 30 other actors,and a lot of them WAAAAAY more popular than her...somebody tell Ms. Aniston she needs to follow Courtney Cox Arquette and get a new tv show...)...sorry for the tirade...anyways back to what I was saying.....

Oh yeah,its been awhile since there has been a truly laugh out loud Vince Vaughn flick...and I had high hopes for this one,I finally got around to seeing it yesterday,and its not that great...It has its moments,Vince and Favreau are funny together,but they have their timing down to a science considering how long they have worked together...I was really disappointed they didnt give Jason Bateman (talk about a career resurrection,back in the day I thought he had died after "Teen Wolf 2") that much to do....He does nothing really in this film other than be annoying (in a bad way) and be a whiny bitch....very disappointing,he's a lot funnier than that.

There are a few appearances by some funny characters,namely the yoga instructor (who everyone saw the bits in the previews),but they try to put this depressing relationship story into this film that should have been a randy R Rated ,just funny film....instead its a PG 13 kinda funny in bits overlong film. Really its over an hour and forty minutes long and its really only truly funny for maybe 30 of those minutes.

I cant really blame the actors,they all are really trying,and good for the women in this flick...they all look spectacular...its got the one hot chick from Sex in The City and she was impressive (looking),and Veronica Mars...NICE!!! Oh and Malin Ackerman very,very,very,cute...anyways they all seem to have good cheistry,but the writing is just lacking.

I really would like to see Vaughn,Favreau,and Bateman....in a low budget indie type comedy,or a non romantic comedy type flick (think something crazy funny like "Old School" type comedy....hell frickin silly "Dodge Ball" type comedy),I just dont think Vince Vaughns strengths lie in romantic comedies....oh and for GODS SAKES Vince...stay away from serious dramas/thrillers...remember the late 90's/early 2000's?? Not sooo hot,remember "Domestic Disturbance"??? Blech!! Oh yeah stay away from Travolta vehicles too!!!

Anyways,I really dont even suggest renting this one....and that pains me to say that,but just wait till its on HBO or Starz or whatever (they'll show it every day in about 6 months anyways)....save the $5....

Cabin Fever 2:Spring Fever aka (I'd Rather Have Syphillis!!!)

Let me start off by saying I wasnt a HUGE fan of the first Cabin Fever...I mean its ok and stuff,but I think its a bit over rated. I think I went into it 6 years ago thinking it was some scary ass intense flick,and to be honest with you,yeah there is some messed up stuff in it,but theres just as much comedy in it,and back then I wasnt expecting that so it was just kind of ehhh for me.I've been meaniing to watch it again and actually tried to watch it before I watched the sequel,but unfortunately my copy is messed up....so maybe another time.

That being said,I knew going into this one that the movie was just as much a comedy as it was anything else...its not scary,but I enjoyed it.I will say that there is no way in hell that this would have ever played at the theaters...its definitely not mainstream.

This is the third film I've seen from Ti West after "The Roost" and "House of the Devil"...I know he has a couple of more low budget flicks out there,just havent seen them. What I can appreciate with him is that each of the films I've seen have been entirely different in tone and style.But also something I have to admit is that his films arent for everyone. I for one enjoyed the hell out of "the Roost",I appreciated it for what it was,a very low budget flick that got kinda creepy as it went on...my wife hated the fucker (of course she's not the biggest horror fan,but if she hates something she will let me know without a doubt that she hated it...and damn did she hate this one). "House of the Devil" I liked because it was a horror film done in the exact style of a 1981 horror film.I mean he nailed it in the look and slow burn ,and the "what the fuck kinda ending is a lot like something from that era of films.But again I know some people who watched it and just didnt like it,because it was too plodding and deliberate and there didnt seem to be a big enough payoff to it....the thing is I think you might like one of is movies then hate three of his others....its just the fact he can do differnet styles...which I can appreciate.

Ok so after that little diatribe let me just tell ya that this movie has more bodily fluids flying around than any movie I have seen in recent memory. I mean there was a bunch of times I was sitting there thinking "holy shit,are you kidding me??"...yeah the wife would definitely make me turn this fucker off after 10 minutes if I tried to get her to watch this one.

The movie centers around a bunch of contaminated water that is from the same river from the first movie that has been sent to a nearby high school.The movie shifts into almost a John Hughes type film for awhile,if John Hughes threw in a puss leaking penis and girls spitting out cum after giving blow jobs in the bathroom....honestly the gross out stuff in this is Troma worthy except with a much better budget...as bad as that sounds and that isnt even close to all thats gross out worthy in this son of a bitch,I actually laughed a lot during this,and it was during parts I was supposed to laugh at,not laughing because its so bad its funny.

Oh and the main guy Noah Segan is like channeling Christian Slater circa 1988-89,nice job dude...and there are some pretty good John Hughes type moments thrown in with all the over the top stuff.So even though Mr. West has washed his hands of this film (because evidently there were too many cooks in the kitchen in terms of the producers and studio getting involved) I think the film turned out pretty decent.

As I stated this film isnt for everyone,but if you liked the first one,and enjoy black humor,and bits of 80's style high school high jinx,with a butt load of gag worthy gross ass shit,this might be for you.But I cant really say that this is a good film for everyone,because its not.So if the shit I've mentioned has gotten you interested in the shit,see it,if not,please avoid it at all cost!!

The Burrowers aka (Where the Hells the Calvary When You Need It!!)

Last night worked out pretty good,I got to watch two films by two young directors that I think are heading to the big time. I watched Cabin Fever 2 by Ti West and The Burrowers by JT Petty. I'll talk about Mr. Wests flick later....but for now,let me first do this one here about Mr. Petty's effort. He hasnt done a ton of movies....actually I've only seen his Mimic 3 which considering it was done on a shoe string budget was way better than it should have been for anything combining Rear Window with giant fucking cockroaches,and this fine little western/horror movie.Well done dude,well done!!

The Burrowers is the type of movie that is a western with the horror elements thrown in. Heck my Dad hates horror movies,but he could watch westerns 24 hours a day,I guarantee he would not mind this one bit,and thats saying something.


The story is set out in 1879,the west is still pretty new territory and there arent that many people living out there,we're talking some seriously desolate ass shit. So its a few people living on their own with indians everywhere. Well there is this Irish guy named Coffee (played by the same guy that was the star of Mimic 3,does a nice job here),well he is a ranch hand trying to marry a settlers daughter,he leaves for a bit,and when he comes back,her family is dead and she has vanished.


Well naturally everyone assumes its the indians that did it so they round up a rescue party including some calvary led by the asshole that played Percy in The Green Mile (Percy was the lil annoying fucker that wanted to toast all the convicts and was just plain Grade A Asshole) anyways he's an asshole in this one too...


The party treks across the desolate ass plains (there isnt shit out there) and come across several things that just dont seem natural and doesnt seem to be stuff that indians would do...so Coffee and his boss and two others decide to leave the calvary to search on their own...yeah bad idea jackass's....as you can guess they run into all kinds of messed up shit...pissed off indians and the actual creatures that are behind the recent vanishing acts.


The less said the better,because this is a flick to just sit back and enjoy the look of the film and where the story goes. I would definitely love to see this iin HD,as with most good westerns there are nice wide open shots,some early shots reminded me of Brad Pitts "Assasination of Jesse James" movie (which to me was one of the best shot movies I have seen in years...),now I'm not saying this is as good as that flick,just that some of the shots are similar...early on. The monsters are very well done...and they arent cheesy looking,I havent seen many horror/westerns,but the ones I have seen always have cheesy ass effects....not this one.


The gore is there,but like the horror it doesnt over run the film,thats why I think its more of a western with the horror element popping up every so often. Look if you like westerns and or horror with some well done monsters in it you really cant go wrong with this film. I would definitely say that if you can rent it or buy it (not for $30 on Blu Ray...get it discounted,its been out for almost a year...Dont Be Stupid!!!)...its a good one.

Pandorum aka (Crazy Ass Ben Foster Needs to Bring The Craziness Back!!)

I call Ben Foster "Crazy Ass" because for awhile he had a tendency to show up in movies I really enjoyed in parts where he was just fucking nuts...see 30 Days of Night,3:10 to Yuma,Hostage,Alpha Dog (this one he was balls to the wall bat shit fuckin crazy in)...I like his acting he just has a way to be pretty damn intense in certain roles and thats a good thing.

Well in Pandorum,his craziness is lowered a bunch of notches and he is basically a normal dude in this,which is fine,I'm sure he doesnt want to get typecast anyway (from what I hear his movie The Messenger is another role that he plays very somber and reserved role in that one too,its supposed to be a very good flick)...thats cool and all,but Ben come on now,ya gotta bring the craziness back some!!

Pandorum isnt a bad movie.Its about a bunch of space colonist on a voyage to a new planet that are "sleeping" because their voyage takes fuckin years to get there,so they are in suspended animation till they get there....well unfortunately they dont ever get there...Crazy Ass Ben Foster wakes up by accident and cant remember anything (that evidently is supposed to be normal) well as he is getting his senses about him,out of no where pops up Dennis "I USED TO HAVE SEX WITH MEG RYAN WHEN SHE WAS HOT" Quaid (he's a bit off kilter in this one) anyways they try to get the ship going again towards where it needs to go...all well in good,but there is something else on the ship...aborigines!!! Well not really but there are some cannibal like creatures running around chasing Crazy Ass Ben Foster all over the ship like a sailor on shore leave chasing a Philippino prostitute.

Theres more to the movie but I'm not writing a catharsis on the fucker.I'll just say that if you like movies like Alien and Event Horizon,you'll probably like this one. Its not as good as either of those,but its still a very fun little flick. It looks really nice and will probably look exceptional on Blu Ray....so if you can get a good deal on it to buy it, if its your kind of thing,if your a tight ass and dont buy dvd's/Blu Rays and just rent or do the ...ahem illegal stuff that we wont talk about,still check it out.

The Box aka (Seeing Cameron Diaz's Box Ain't Half Bad!!)

So I've come to the conclusion that Richard "Donnie Darko" Kelly is another M. Night Shyamalan (and thats not a complement). You see I liked Donnie Darko,yeah its not always coherent,but it has this quirkiness to it that I liked and damn if the dude didnt nail the 80's vibe thru and thru...the soundtrack rocks. Well just like Mr. Shyamalan,it seems like Mr. Kelly has just let pretentiousness get the best of him.His second movie Southland Tales was thouroughly incomprehensible,and though I enjoyed the Box a lot more than I thought I was going to based on national reviews....the dude must walk around with a huge head...think like the lil alien dude The Great Gazoo from the Flintstones....just a mamoth frickin melon.His movies seem to be made for like 5 people (probably mensa members).So no wonder Mr. Kelly has never had a box office hit.

That being said,"The Box" is decent.Its his least confusing movie yet (just dont be intoxicated or stoned when you watch it...well on second thought,ok maybe stoned) I'm sure most people know the basic premise to the movie (the ads were everywhere a few months ago and they didnt leave much to the imagination. Cameron Diaz and her husband James "Dont Call Me Cyclops,Because They Killed Me In The First 30 Minutes of X2 Dammit!!" Marsden,are having some tough times,ol Cameron as cute as she is has a club foot,and Cyclops err sorry James...doesnt get to be an astronaut and he's bummed out by that...well anyways they get offered a mysterious box from Frank "I Was Fuckin Skeletor" Langella who has a serious complexion problem with his face (like some of its missing).

Anyhow crater face offers them the Box,if they press the button someone they dont know dies and they get a million dollars.As you can guess they push the button and all kinds of fucked up shit happens.

This movie takes awhile to get where its going,but I will say I never sat there with a WTF is going on feeling while watching it? The movie has a paranoid feeling to it...kinda like the 197o's Invasion of the Body Snatchers kind of creepy paranoia in it...and damn if Kelly doesnt nail the 70's vibe...I wish this guy would direct something written by someone else...I think this guy can direct his ass off visually,be nice to see what he could do with something more commercial.

The only complaint I really have with the film is that Cameron Diaz's southern accent is awful....She is supposed to live in Richmond Va,but the accent is just pathetic...she sounds like she's from Mississipi or Alabama and thats doesnt even sound right...just piss poor on her part....otherwise its decent.If you liked Donnie Darko and dont care about happy endings than this flick is for you.But if your thinking of a good time is a John Travolta doubleheader of From Paris With Love and Wild Hogs,then uhh yeah this flicks not for you.While I wouldnt recommend everyone to buy it,its definitely worth a rental.

Natures Grave aka (Mother Nature Kicks Jesus's Ass)

I Know,I Know,two Jim Caviezel flicks in two days (probably didnt even know that Jim Caviezel was still making pics). Anyhow this one is ok. Its a remake of a 70's Australian cult classic called "The Long Weekend".I havent seen the original yet,but from what I have heard this one is basically a shot for shot of the original.
The gist of the story is Jesus and his woman are on the outs,she was a bit of a ho and slept around on him and he found out,but they are trying to make their marriage work,so they go on a camping trip to a reclusive area on the Australian coast.They were supposed to have two friends meet up with them,but they never make it.Needless to say the trip doesnt go well.
I'll say this,the film would have been a bit better if either of the characters was more likeable.Both of them are kinda assholes,they argue the whole damn movie....I mean the whole damn movie,so there really isnt any symapathy for them.Being that they are assholes and the title references nature,what happens is Jesus and his woman while out on the coast litter,kill a deer in a hit and run ,shoot some frickin sea cow,steal eagle eggs,and just other random stupid crap....and Nature kicks their ass for it.
The film has a few creepy moments,and its shot really well.But when the character you are actually most concerned with at the end is the couples dog,theres an issue....I will say this,the ending is a "holy shit" moment.Anyways,this is a decent flick,I wouldnt buy it,but if your renting some flicks and you need something to go along with "Couples Retreat" on a lazy Sunday its ok.

Avatar aka (Smurfs Are People Too)

Avatar....over $600 mil...Really?? Come on people,Cameron doesnt even seem to be trying with this film.I mean sure its pretty to look at and stuff,but for a film that supposedly took forever to make,and is supposed to change the movie going experience...I just dont get it.

Its not a bad movie,I dont hate it,I just think its one of the most overly hyped films of our times. Storywise....Hello Mr. Cameron...Kevin Costner is on line one and he wants his Dances With Wolves script back...really thats what this is,its Dances With Wolves with 10 foot tall Smurfs...Its 3 hours of pretty stuff to look at with a story you have seen many times before...Like I said,I didnt hate the film,I just left the theater completely underwhelmed.And the 3D is not that overly awe inspiring either.

Oh and one other thing,whats the deal with Sam Worthington?? Who the hell did this guy blow to get the main roles within one year in Terminator Salvation,Avatar,and Clash of the Titans?? Dude enough with the epic cgi flicks...do something different before you go the way of Orlando Bloom (ya think he's happy as hell to hear their making a new Pirates movie?? Of course he'll probably be replaced by fuckin Sam Worthington).

So Avatar is ok,nothing great,I'm sure as hell not going to buy it on Blu Ray...you so know that Cameron will have Peter Jackson disease and make his "Directors Cut" of an already bloated 3 hour flick into a 4 hour monstroisity..uhh no thanks.

The Devils Curse aka (Ehhhh....)

So,I'm sure I'm not the only one thats bought a dvd that sounded interesting premise wise,even though you've never heard of it before and never heard of anyone in the cast,but damn it 5 out of 6 people on Amazon recommended it (of course they were probably relatives of the cast),so you never get around to watching the damn thing and it just sits on your shelf collecting dust for a long while and everytime you go to pick out a movie you see it and think...ehh nah not tonight,maybe next time...well The Devils Curse is one of those damn movies.

This damn thing has been collecting dust for a long while,so after looking through all 500 channles on the tv tonight and finding absolutely nothing to watch I decided to give it a shot.Well,after seeing it I can just simply shrug my shoulders and go...ehhh.

The movie is a British indie,its about 5 college students (including one American who is the typical American loudmouth obnoxious jackass stereotype)...well they get kicked out of their aprtment because of their Yankee jackass friend and end up at this decrepit old abandoned school (also thanks to the jackass American....seriously I wanted to punch this fucker in the neck)that evidently had some bad juju go down a few years prior.I think it was a Catholic Conservatory or something like that.

Anyhow,5 people had done a seance before and called up good ol Satan to come hang out with them and rock out with his cock out.Well you can guess how that went,they all die and all their deaths look like suicides....now back to the current 5,four of them decide to have a seance after hearing the story about the Satan fest,and wouldnt you know they start dying....yawn...well after about an hour and twenty minutes of this where you thiink the movie is going in one direction,it totally flips and goes another....(again spoiler) the main girl (who is very cute by the way...man I love an english accent on a woman)is frickin nuts and its all in her head,and no one else died...she ends up killing herself...

I'm so sick of this bullshit...enough of the "it was all in their head bullshit" I've seen it enough,and there have been some good ones in the past,Session 9 and Shrooms come to mind....but damn there are getting to be WAY too many movies with this type of ending,its not a surprise any more....FUCK YOU MOVIE!!!

I cant really recommend this movie,its not awful,but the ending sucks ass,and like I said that American is frickin annoying as hell...only watch it if its on latenight on a movie channel or something,save your coin.

Outlander aka (Jesus and the Vikings)

Outlander stars James Caviezel aka Jesus.This is actually a pretty fun little flick. Its basically Jesus,Hell Boy Ron Perlman,a chick that looks like the hottie from Gladiator,and a bunch of dudes that look like wrestlers from the WWE taking on a creature that is kinda like a combination of Alien and the thing in the Relic.

Now if Jesus and Hell Boy taking on a monster doesnt sound like a good time to you then dont see this.But if your in the mood for some good old fashion action with some pretty decent fx (the creature looks pretty bad ass) you could do a whole lot worse than this.This is no 13th Warrior...zzzzz....its pretty good.

From Paris With Love aka (John Travolta Movies Suck if Tarantino isnt involved)

Well let me start off with a hello,and a brief explanation for this blog,before I start my review for this big magnificient piece of crap....I've been wanting to do reviews for awhile and figured,every goofball with a computer nowadays has a blog and so I figured what the hell....its not frickin rocket science...anyways,if your looking for an in depth,educated review of movies ya might wanna go somewhere else.I'm not a writer...never claimed to be (Hated English class).But I just will proceed to give my little point of view on movies I have seen recently...they might be at the theater or they might be something I caught at home...These are just my thoughts on what I saw in as short an amount of time as possible.

I just hope if anyone ever reads this crap,they might appreciate my point of view and if not...I dont care...

Ok,so like this new Travolta flick is one big ol piece of horse dung. It used to be that the studios used to release all their movies that they knew blew chunks the first part of the year...think January 1st till early March...Nowadays the studios seem to be getting to where they still send out their crap flicks,but instead of releasing them in the span of two months,now its only a couple of weeks.And thanks to the success of Direct To Video the crap that is released has been pared down even more...thank God...But even with all that said....the crap still gets through the cracks,and man is this a stinker.

From Paris With Love stars Mr. Clean uhm I mean John Travolta as a crazy ass bad ass C.I.A. agent that is on a mission to prevent a terrorist attack in Paris. He is assisted by Jonathan Rhys Meyers...the dude from The Tudors....for some reason my wife is crushing on this dude something fierce...

With better writing this might have been a decent action flick.Its directed by the French dude who directed Taken (Liam Neeson..badass,who'da thunk it?? Good flick) and produced by Luc Besson,who flirted with the big time in the mid 90's with The Professional,but then released the two mega bombs that were 5th Element and The Messenger.Since then he has stayed on his side of the water and seems to be doing more writing and producing.Well these two Frenchies didnt put too much effort in this.Its a mess.

Theres some kinda funny quips by Travolta,Rhys Meyers kinda plays a wall pretty well,just comes across very blahish...The story is pretty non existent,some mess that there is some kind of AIDS convention with some world official happening in Paris and they are trying to prevent the terrorist from blowing the peeps up.Thats it....so after about an hour it comes to their realization that (spoilers...like it matters) Mr. Personality's fiance (some foreign chick that was pretty hot) was in on the terrorists plans. Turns out she is actually the bomber...which leads to the great line when Mr. "I Have About As Much Range As that Chick from Twilight" Meyers utters the immortal lines to his boss... "I know who the bomber is sir....its my fiance"...gahbage...If this flick was a dinner served at a fine restaurant I would have thrown it against the wall and walked out...what a mess.

So my conclusion is that if a movie is starring John Travolta nowaday...stay away from it....he makes a ton of crap and has no shame...just to name a few dogs since Pulp Fiction...Micheal (stupid Angel movie),A Civil Action...zzzzz.....Phenomenon...awful...Battlefield Earth...ok the list is too long and that would defeat my purpose of this review....all you need to know about this movie can be summed up by just looking at this picture of Travolta...

Just ridiculous