I have a butt load of dvd's,gotta admit,I love collecting the fuckers,and if theres flicks that I dont have and I can record,well then fuck it,count me in,so needless to say I have a lot of crap I could probably live without,but oh well.Anyways every once in a while a buddy and I will get the gumption up to have a movie marathon or if its a week night a mini moviethon (yeah I know we're losers).
Well Friday night felt like having one of these endeavors....yeah the loser meter went off the charts on that one right there didnt it...Friday night instead of rockin out with my ciock out somewhere,I was holed up at the casa watching some dumb ass flicks...Oh well I'll just get to the reason I wanted to write this up and stop depressing myself by discussing my rather dull existence in life in general .....(honey wheres the shotgun??Sigh)...
Ok where was I,oh yeah,so anyways I had a little flickathon Friday night,usually when I do this I have a little bit of a theme to it.This time it was 1980's slasher flicks...and strangely they were all from the year 1981...so what do ya know,I actually have a little thing for my dumb ass blog that no one reads.So here we go!! Whoo Fuckin Hoo!
Ok so 1981,The year Ronald Reagan became President,the Iran Hostages were released,The Pope is shot,AIDS first pops up,IBM creates their first PC,MTV is launched,Raiders of the Lost Ark and Stripes are the bomb at the theaters,and 70's bush was still VERY in!! You couldnt find a wax job back then,unless you went to a car wash!!! Oh and you know what else was in back then?? Slasher flicks. Thanks to Halloween and Friday the 13th,slasher films were coming out every week by 1981,good and bad,it didnt matter.And thanks to the rise of the VCR and the fact that slashers were cheap to make they were the perfect thing for the video stores to rent!! They were as prevalent as porn (except for the most part you didnt have to go into a back room to get them).
1981 was probably the year that if there was a slasher flick,you actaully had a chance to maybe see an actually decent flick still.If there was a golden age for slashers 1981 was probably it.So for my little flickathon I picked three that I hadnt seen,but had heard good things about and actually a couple of them over time have been termed "classics" by certain sites.Well after watching them I dont know if I would call them classics....maybe one really good one,one average one,and one big gigantic piece of shit.
The three flicks I watched were,in order, "Madman","Funhouse",and "Happy Birthday to Me".
"Madman" is the low budget indie out of the three.its not bad for what it is,and actually for a basic knock off of "Friday the 13th"it has its moments of originallity."Madman" is about a group of camp counselors on the last night of their teen camp having a bonfire and bringing up the legend of Madman Marz...The dude supposedly kiiled his family with an axe and was ganked by the locals,but his body was never found.And with a tip to Bloody Mary,if you say his name above a whisper Madman will come get your ass.Well of course some little dickweed named Richie decides to call out for Madman and then jackass decides to get lost in the woods.
Let me say,jackass Richie was a complete fuckwad.The dude for the whole film just wanders the woods and every once in a while he sees the Madman,oh and wanders into the killers house,but unfortunately the fucker never gets it...really a bummer.If there was ever a fucker who should have met his maker,this dude should have had a big ass ax upside his skull...damn,really a bummer.
This flick had the most unattractive group of women in a film I think I have ever seen.I mean not one attractive one in the group.One of them looked like Jerry Seinfeld with an afro,one looked like she had down syndrome,and the third was just plain fugly...hey I'm all for being more realistic and not having chicks that look like they all came off a CW show,but this was depressingly bad.
The best thing about this film was one of the counselors was named TP and the fucker actually had a huge ass belt buckle that had TP on it...awesome...the killer,ehh he was a lot more effective when they kept him in the dark,once they showed him,he looked kind of retarded,and not in a good creepy kind of retarded way,just kind of retarded.Would I suggest seeing Madman? Ehh if you catch it on tv,and like Friday the 13th ripoffs that are watchable,sure why not.
Next was "Funhouse" by Tobe "My Career Died After 1986" Hooper.For those who dont know,Tobe gave us Texas Chainsaw Massacre (The one that didnt have extended long shots of Jessica Biels ass in jeans the whole movie),The tv mini series of "Salems Lot" (that fucker scared the shit out of me when I was a wee lil lad) and also did "Poltergeist" which evidently rumor has it Steven Spielberg after Hooper finished went in and touched up to ....maybe make it more commercially friendly??...dont know,but that is believed to have happened...hmm maybe Spielberg blacklisted the dude,and why his career went in the crapper after the mid 80's...oh who am I kidding I have seen his more recent stuff,and for the most part its all suck ass.
But "Funhouse" is actually pretty damn good.Hooper must have gotten the "Poltergeist" job off of this one,because,its really well shot,and has some moments and shots that seemed kind of Spielberg like.The story is basically that four teenagers sneak into a carnival funhouse to stay the night and make out.Unfortunately for them one of the dill weeds,steals money from the carny whos son is a birth defect monster that just really fucked up.They also witness the "monster" kill a palm reader (after she jerked the monster dude off,in a really odd scene)...anyways this one is pretty good,and holds up pretty well.
Now the final flick..."Happy Birthday to Me"...holy shit what a giant piece of crap this is. The thing with this movie is,that it has the feeling that the major studios,realized that the needed to get in on the slasher craze real quick,and made this turkey.Its obvious they spent money on this one.The director was actually very accomplished,he had made the original "Cape Fear" and "Guns of Navarone",they had a cast that at the time was probably the equivalent of nowadays teen horror flicks that star the cast of "Gossip Girl",with Melissa Sue "I was the pain in the ass blind one on Little House on The Prairie" Anderson and Glenn "I Really Needed The Money Since I Never Got to be In Anymore Superman Movies) Ford leading the way.
But damn this crap was awful,Its too long,its just stupid,and it actually has a "Scooby Doo" fucking ending....where a character rips off her face to reveal that its actually a mask...really?? Just fucking ridiculous. I will say this the last ten minutes including the "Scooby Doo" shit is kind of bat shit crazy,so it is fun in a wtf kind of way.But damn this is just dumb.Never need to see this ever again.
Well thats about it,so if anyone says to you "oh I have Happy Birthday To Me on dvd,heard its supposed to be good,wanna watch it?" Just fuckin pimp slap the shit out of them!! If you run into "Funhouse" or even "Madman" on cable one night,give them a shot...they have their moments...especially "Funhouse"
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